Join the queue....:)

This is a prize winning speech delivered for the 2010 Humorous Speech Competition. This speech was again made at a Toast Masters Cub in Bangalore recently. Besides lookin fat and perpetually drunk and not having many people laughing at my jokes here, this speech won the Area level contest last November (Of course, there was more preparation then :))

(Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOqdH6fUjG0)

Suggest you see the video before going through the post below.

:)

==========================================================

What do women want?

They want Affection.

A lotta Admiration, Devotion, and Dedication .

Commitment, Conversation, Communication, Chocolate.

Candle Lit Dinners,

Sweet, Sweet, Nothings,

Tender Love and ...

Care.

And what do men want?

Beer.

Period.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus; they are NOT supposed to combine.

But they do; and this combination is called ...Marriage!

Now before marriage, when a man holds a woman's hand, it is called...love; after marriage, it is called self defense.

Now in India, there is a special type of marriage...it is called Arranged Marriage; it is a marriage which is well, 'fixed' - a 'fixed' marriage. Think of it - a 'fixed' marriage? If you put the word 'fixed' before another commonly used term, 'cricket match', it becomes 'fixed cricket match'. A fixed cricket match? And we as a nation, has got a problem with any cricket match which is fixed. But we have absolutely no problem with a marriage which is similarly 'fixed'!!!

"Fixed Cricket Match!!! Ajay Jadeja!! Azharuddin!!!", What did we do with them? We banned them for life!!!

"Fixed Arranged Marriage!!! Boy and Girl!!!", What did we do with them?

We celebrate!!!

Balle! Balle!

Now I'm that stage of getting married and I'm not getting a lot of good feedback about marriage. From various sources. I'll start with the Internet:

If you go to the net and type, "Advantages of Marriage", even Google gets confused....

If you tell people that you're married, they sympathize with you.....

You don't believe me? In any organization, it is the married people who can leave early, the unmarried folks are expected to work all night. I asked my boss why this is so and he told me, "They're married: they're already suffering. You won't understand...."

Now as a part of this arranged marriage loop, even I too have met some women. And I've noticed that nobody talks during these meetings; everybody communicates only with their eyes. Last month, me and my parents went to met this lady and we were sitting in the living room of her house, waiting for her. Eventually she came with the traditional tray of tea, coffee, sweets biscuits, but she doesn't look at me. She coyly hides her face behind her hands and peeps (see attached video). My mom sits opposite to me and she doesn't say anything either but she looks at me and gives me a knowing look, implying that the girl is good. My sister sits next to me and she doesn't say anything but she alternatively looks at herself and to the girl ; she's thinking to herself, "Is my sari better or is her sari better?". My dad sits on the corner and he doesn't say anything but he's looking all around- he's measuring them; he's thinking to himself, "They have one clock- I have two clocks. They have 2 curtains - I have 4 curtains"...... And after all this drama, we drive back home, some 250 kilometers away, and in the evening, the girl's father calls us up and says, "Sorry, horoscopes don't match!!!" After all this drama!!!

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm in the pursuit of getting married but the various messages that I get from various sources seem to tell me that marriage is a bad idea, whether its the internet, my boss, my own experiences. Even my married friends tell me not to get married. In fact, I have this friend, who's a very close friend of mine, and he's been married for a very long while now, and I really don't think he's very happy with his marriage. I mean, before marriage, he was this tall, strong and established guy; after marriage, his establishment fell down. Before marriage he was six-pack, baby, six-pack..after marriage, he became family pack.... And he was telling me this story...He lives in Indiranagar and one day, he goes to MG Road and he sees his huge crowd of people, some 200-300 people walking forward, and at the very front, they're carrying two boxes. Now my friend gets all curious and he thinks its some VIP or something, and he goes to the crowd, joins the crowd, some 200-300 people, he walks with the crowd and goes to the very front where they're carrying the two boxes and asks the man in front, "Excuse me, hi, what's with the boxes?"

And the man says, "It's my wife. She died."

And my friend says, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. How did it happen?"

And the man says, "Well, she was trying to feed the dog, and the dog bit her, and she died."

And my friend says, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! "

Now my friend sees the other box and he's curious again. He asks the man again, "Don't mind me asking, but what's with the other box?"

And the man says, "Its my mother-in-law. She tried to save my wife from the dog, but the dog bit her also and she also died."

Now my friend starts thinking. And after a lot of careful thought, he asked the man, "Can I borrow the dog?"

And the man said, pointing backwards, "Sure, join the queue."

:)

Make a Toast, Master.....

The beating heart.

Beating rabidly, Thumping to a crescendo, pounding against the chest. There is a heightened sense of feeling; a feeling of nervousness, a feeling of being light in the stomach and a feeling of your mind going completely blank on you. Suddenly you realize that it’s just you and you only. Against the whole world. And they’re all watching you; watching your every step, your every move. And you stand there in front of them, numb, blank and speechless.

They say that the human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I remember the first time I was asked to make an impromptu speech (Of course, I had prepared for two weeks for that impromptu speech!). At the faithful moment, my mind suddenly went blank and I started blabbering nonsense; and that too, nonsense peppered liberally with ‘aahs’ and ‘umms’. I had no clue what I was talking about. Luckily for me, I was not alone. No one in the audience had any idea what I was talking either. After I made that speech (!), I didn’t know if I should have just killed myself or run away from any known living civilization. Well, unfortunately for my audience, I did neither.

History recognizes great speeches. Mark Antony changed the course of roman history with one speech. Churchill spoke and galvanized a nation into combative battle mode. Martin Luther King mesmerized an entire generation by speaking of his dream.

I’m just not there yet. In my many attempts at public speaking, it is usually the public who does the speaking. In fact, at one point in life, I considered it lucky that my audience didn’t run away when I spoke; I remember a particular instance when my speech had drawn a surprisingly large crowd; my happiness was short lived when later my friend told me the audience stayed back because they were serving snacks after my speech.

But I am trying. Word by word by word. Day after day after day. And it is quite an effort. I’m part of Garden’s City Toastmasters Club, the oldest Toastmasters club in Bangalore (in fact, the oldest Toastmasters club in India :)). The Toastmasters Movement is a global nonprofit organization offering a proven - and enjoyable! - way "to practice and hone communication and leadership skills".

And it’s wonderful being part of a group of people united by the passion to be a better speaker and divided only by degree of enthusiasm in doing so. And the thumping heart, sweaty palms and blank mind are routine affairs at the weekly meetings. But we get better with each speech. With each feedback. With each week. The prepared speeches allows one to explore new subjects to talk about. Also, it helps us improve our diction, grammar and pronunciation. The feedback tells us what we did right and how we could improve ourselves. The most exciting part is the table topics section, where we need to speak on the spot on the subject shot at us.

This is only the start of a journey; a journey of understanding oneself, of “awakening the sleeping giant within” and of honing and tuning communication and leadership skills. It’s also about making life more livable, about giving more meaning to the words coming out of the mouth and about enriching your relationships. And of having fun all the way.

Someone once said ” It’s only words and words are all I have, to take your heart away.”

I totally agree.