Whaddaya wanna be?

Life, it seems, is the world’s most popular STD.

I read somewhere that life is the whim of a few billion cells to get together to be you for a while. Pretty serious stuff if you wonder what if all those cells are like Indian politicians and if they belong to a coalition party ;).

So my big bro keeps telling me that I need a goal in life (making sure I diligently reach home on time to catch the 9 PM movie does not count). He says that we all need to make long term goals, and relentlessly strive to achieve them – that, in his opinion, is the “beauty of life” (nope, he does not know about double burst cheese pizza). Bro also says that my life is like an elevator in which I still don’t know which button to push (I know… pretty deep stuff here. And Vegas is not a button, it’s just geography J)

Since total world domination was already taken by the Austin Powers movies (and world peace by the beauty pageant industry), I needed another objective in life.

And as I looked around, I see everyone following the same path – study well, get a high paying job, get married, have kids, buy a house, go on annual vacations, work for the kids’ education and then retirement.

I wanted to go the less trodden path; I wanted to do something which nobody else did; I wanted to make my mark in an area which affects everyone, I wanted to dwell deep into my soul and find out what I really, REALLY wanted to do – in short, I wanna be a pornstar!

Ok wait, I take back that – I just realized that porn can totally suck after a while. OK, so porn’s out of the window.

I could opt for politics, since I am getting the hang of asking random fine people to vote for less than worthy causes ( vote for this post here) – but I realize that the other guy with a name that sounds similar to mine is currently lodged in Tihar, which is not exactly my choice for a holiday destination (also the poor guy has not gone beyond 2G while my devices r 4G compatible). Again, I fail to see the fashion statement in white clothes and white ambassadors – it simply crams up my style. Oh well, so much for politics.

I could be a swami (no, not that swami, u filthy mind! J) and hold the government to ransom by threatening to fast. But since my art of living is the holy glory of junk food, booze and a sedentary life (my definition of ‘work out’ is flexing my fingers to change the channel on the tv remote – so yes, I do ‘work out’ regularly ;)), I figured swamihood may not give me the job satisfaction I’m craving for. Maybe I could threaten the government by ‘accept my demand or I’ll overeat till I die’ – that could work!

Or I could be the other swami (yes, yes that very swami, u bhola sa mind! J) and I could conduct holy acts with holier-than-thou actresses in the name of holiness to help them in their holy pursuit of eternal happiness (or “nithya ananda “;)).

I could become a banker since I always had an eye for figures and (vital) statistics. But I really can’t seem to be able to keep money – there always is so much month left at the end of the money. I found out that there is a powerful urge in me to blow up money. Its only later that I realized they even had a rule about that - they call it “a fool and his money are often parted”.

I’m starting to understand that there’s more to IT than just buying shares of companies like Satyam (great idea that turned out to be). Sure the lifestyle is tempting – 18-19 hours of a desk sitting job, a computer stares at you in the face almost all day (and vice versa), you eat only fatty and oily food and that too, at irregular intervals, and your idea of social life is online chatting, youtube videos and facebooking. You work hard and party harder – even though party is defined as getting sloshed at some seedy bar with the same people you just spent office hours with. Maybe I can consider….. Oh wait, I am in IT.

Or I could be a movie star – I’d get to wear goggles bigger than my face, tell my name with a weirder accent and carry a bottle of evian mineral water all around (cos even though evian costs ten times normal drinking water and contains the same number of germs, its cooler to be seen with). But since people like Salman, Hritik n now Ajay (et tu, Devgun?) have upped the ante by being so bloody damn fit, I don’t think I could even stand a chance against them (six pack, for me, has always been a beer can denomination at the supermarket).

I might even consider being a chef like the ones on TV who emit long (mating?) drawls after sipping or nibbling anything and everything that is made with and without fire. Like Nigella Lawson, I could popularize food porn, all the while having people drool at my preposterous weight problem. Oh wait, I don’t know jack about cooking…..

Making the most of your life is really a tough call. And the irony is most people have no clue what they’re doing with life. They just flow with the flow rather than make the flow flow (in spite of so many Rajnikanth movies).

Oh well, screw the elevator.. I’m getting late for my 9 PM movie.

J