fuck love

a blog on 'life' and other popular four letter words...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Heart Farmer

So haven’t you heard it yet?

“Why this kolavari, kolavari, kolavari di?...

Yo boyyzz, I yam singg songgg… “ J

OK, I have no clue what that means but hell, its way, way too cool to ignore – the above are the opening lines of the hottest south Indian song that’s hit the net and it features the daughters of the both the super men, Rajnikanth and Kamal Haasan, in the same room and the guy who’s singing the song is Rajnikanth’s son in law (check out sooparr video here J). And the video’s just hit about a million views in 4 days flat, and that’s quite a feat for an Indian song, don’t ya think? And it’s way too cool n way too yummy, so check out the lyrics just to see how mad it really is.. and man, it sooo rocks!!! J

Actually I was talking with a marketing friend of mine and asked him why he thinks this video has done soo astoundingly well in such a less time. And he said that it’s cos of its simple lyrics and more importantly, its’ about something all of us can relate to irrespective of language – it’s cos it’s all about heart. J

Yup it goes….

“Why this kolavari, kolavari, kolavari di?...

Yo boyyzz, I yam singg songgg… “ J

Let me elaborate his funda by asking you this question - which one among the following would you pick - Apples, Oranges, Cherry or Heart? (Yes, come back from the song to the post! J)

So let me ask u again – of the following four, what would you choose -– Apples, Oranges, Cherry or Heart?

I bet u’d pick heart! J

In the history of the mankindzz, Love has proved to be the heart’s best dish. And think about it, we humans love the heart’s various forms of love – whether its love for our sweetheart, for our parents, love for our siblings, love for friends, love for thy neighbor, for our pets or even love for Katrina Kaif, the best food for our soul is one that is all heart.

Some great dude once said that nobody is an island; and it’s so true. We simbly cannot live alone – our hearts are built to connect. To another heart. All the time. All the while. And we’ve always been meeting new hearts after old. And in the book of our lives, our chapters make meaning not by the money we rake but by the hearts we stake - the pages of our lives are punctuated by the hearts that we make, the ones we break, the ones we forget, the ones we remember, the ones that we hold and the ones that we lose. The hearts we touch are the currency of our lives.

So if you think this post is on love, it’s not.

The point of this whole post is that I’ve come to know of this guy. He’s a distant relative of mine and I’ve never actually met up with him personally. But at every marriage or function that we attend, his stories keep popping up. He’s a fairly ordinary chap with a fairly ordinary will and a fairly ordinary life. But he has one extraordinary quirk- one that has made him nothing short of legend within our circles. For the lack of a better word, let me just call him this– I’ll call him ‘the heart farmer’. And his one true quirk that makes him extraordinary is this - he helps out relatives.

Let me explain.

Question - have you heard of stories of own relatives who sometimes fall out of luck in life? I mean, I’m pretty sure all of us have often heard stories of distant relatives who’ve ‘had it all but now lost it all’, who are ‘in pretty bad shape now’, who ‘played the stock market and lost’, who ‘darbar-ed recklessly’, who ‘lived beyond their means’, who ‘lost their old glory’ and the like. Often we just listen to these news and then forget about it almost instantly. And most often, we would want to keep distant relatives as just that – distant. But have we ever wondered what really happens to them? Have we ever wondered if there is something that we could do to help them out? Obviously, our first reaction is if they’d ask us for money; so we try to put them away at a distance.

But the thing is, yaar - sometimes it’s not money they want – sometimes, it’s just a little show of support or a few reassuring words of advice or a few kind words that they’ll need to straighten things up (yes, serious, serious ban gaya J). And yes, sometimes it is all about money too. But mind you, things can get pretty profitable too…

The heart farmer does just that.

The heart farmer looks into his family tree, looks out for relatives in distress and then helps them out: he meets with them personally, talks with them, understands their issues and tries to sort things out. And once he’s ‘fixed’ one house, he just moves on to the next. And in the process, he wins another set of hearts. And that’s exactly what he does – like a farmer who shepherds his crop, the heart farmer cultivates, nurtures and wins the hearts of his relatives.

Stories of how he straightened out his once wayward brother is now legend. His US educated brother could not find a job in recession hit US and had to come back to India in shame and with a bruised ego. People started ridiculing him that the lakhs that his dad put into his US education was like ‘throwing money into the sea’. And as a result, his bro kept to himself, started avoided everybody, got into drinking, gambled with quick rich schemes and eventually got into drugs. The heart farmer eventually took control of his brothers’ life. He understood that his brother was good with web designing and had an US degree to boot – he just needed his chance and the heart farmer gave him just that – he funded his brother to start up a small web designing company. That was six years back – today the company is in a position of rejecting work as it has too much work in its hands and is generating profits every year…. and guess who the main stake holder in the company is? J

And this is what the heart farmer does. And in the process, his kin and kith is now steadily emerging as a richer and powerful clan in society, all because of this one man. And as for him, he’s also become a wealthier man, definitely wealthier by heart and yes, wealthier by bank. And he still spends his time looking deep into his family tree to find more of his relatives to earnestly help them out.

So what would I do if I had an extra two hours in a day? I want to start my account as the heart farmer of my kin. And to be honest, I’d like to think I’ve already started, in my own little way:

  • Since I stay away from my parents now, I’ve eventually got into this unlikely habit of not calling them sometimes for as long as a week (yes, missed calls from worried mom = lotsJ). Once I’ve realized this, the first thing I did is set up a system where I call them once every two days. Similarly, I’ve done the same thing where I simply call and chat up with my sister and brother, who also stay in different parts of the country. It just keeps me a little more connected with them in spite of us being separated by distances. I was feeling a little ashamed saying that I don’t call my near and dear so often but after I’ve talked with a few friends of mine, they echo my same sentiment that in the days of nuclear families and rising aspirations, sometimes these lil important things get forgotten and the number one reason is the lack of time. J

  • I realized that I haven’t been calling my favorite aunts for quite a very long while – these aunts are the ones who basically brought me up when I was a kid. And I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t been able to keep in touch with them for a long, long time now. Again, the blame is on the lack of time. But now I’ve set up reminders to call them at least once every two weeks and things are going pretty much according to plan (touchwood J). In fact, my cousin is in the arranged marriage market and since I’m known as the resident metrosexual of the family, he’s asked me to spin doctor his profile. J

  • I’ve started connecting more with my old friends. I’ve decided to deepen my friendship beyond the one-off ‘Happy B’day’ message on facebook. In fact, I’ve started scouring supermarkets on the weekends for gifts on discount. I buy them in bulk, gift wrap them personally and give it to my friends when I meet them or call them over for beer. They usually get bowled over with the unexpected show of warmth. In fact, that’s where this song (yes the song again J) came up – last Saturday, a long lost friend of mine came over for a couple of beers and we played this song on loop and heard it some 50 times in the background while we kept gossiping ‘bout the good ‘ol times, the good ol’ friends and the good ol’ college days.

  • Since I usually have a few hand wrapped gifts at home, I sometimes randomly give it to kids I see on the street. Usually their parents go crazy when I do that and I just leave them to themselves to figure it out for themselves. But the feeling of being that wierd mysterious gifter kinda gives me a super kick. J

OK, now would you believe I wrote this post for a contest? And it’s actually turned out into something else now. But the initial idea was that it was to be this serious post written for the Surf Excel #Get Smart blogging contest. Surf claims that if you use their product, it would save you two extra hours a day. So the premise is – what would you do if you suddenly found two extra hours in a day? I had got myself into this mode where I had this very, very serious post and then the song happened…. J

Well, my answer is if I had two extra hours a day, I’d use that time to start my innings as the heart farmer of my clan. Hopefully, like the original heart farmer has shown, ek din, mera clan will also grow richer and powerful due to the effort of one man, a.k.a moi J. And if you could expand this concept to more people out here, we’d have a multiplier effect of having many heart farmers in this part of the world. And who knows, one day, if this concept really catches on, we could be looking at an India full of heart farmers, cultivating, nurturing and winning hearts all around the world. J

So here’s me starting my score as a heart farmer… but the important big question is - are u? J

And the song goes, pa pa pa ppaan- pa pa pa ppan- pa pa pa ppaan- pa pa ppaan- …….

Why this kolavari, kolavari, kolavari di?...

Sariyaa vaasi…?


Pics courtesy-mai baap google.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

From behind the curtain....

From behind the curtain,

I peered at the familiar faces who faced unfamiliar ground.

It was a beautiful place with beautiful people. Pretty trees adorned the nicely laid sidewalks and many a person spent many a lazy evening just walking down these very fine roads. It was one of the classiest spots in town and it was known for its place, its people and its pace.

But then, it was all going to change. The trees were going to be pulled down, the roads were going to be dug up, and the shops were going to be closed down.

The beautiful people protested, the shops saw red and the residents retaliated.

But changed it all did still.

From behind the curtain,

I saw it all change.

The crowds trickled down, the shops closed down and the trees fell down. The old pace got lost, the old times got lost and alongside, a few lives got lost.

Dust and gloom filled the once happy places, Dirt and darkness covered the once bright spots, Muck and melancholy swamped the once lively streets.

Even the birds chose to chirp someplace else. Even the sun chose to shine someplace else. Even the green chose to grow someplace else.

Almost everything just stopped.

For the while…

But slowly things started shaping up.

From behind the curtain,

I saw it all shaping up.

Distances promised to melt away, the pillars of progress started coming up and the sun seemed to shine again on the residents.

New shops came up in the place of the closed ones, new flowers started to bloom in the place of fallen trees, and new hope blossomed in the place of the old.

The crowds started coming back, the clouds started clearing apart and the easy-going way of life was coming back.

Suddenly it was becoming beautiful again.

From behind the curtain of my home, I looked at the faces of all those people who were once faced with a stumbling block in their lives. But today, they’re all happy that it may very well turn into the blessing that they all need and that it may very well be that what they were all waiting for.

And today, 20-10-20 11 - namma Bengaluru’s namma metro has finally come.

And I smile from behind the curtain of my house.

Along with the road whose name is CMH.

And it’s beautiful people.


CMH road was once the heart of Indiranagar, Bangalore. While Brigade road was known for the style and the young, CMH was known for the class and the sophistication. But it all changed with the metro construction that hijacked the whole lace some four years ago. The people went away as the construction started. When the metro was finally opened last month, the crowds did seem to come back, however never like the glory of the good ‘ol days.

This post was written for my company’s blogging contest, the topic being, to write and create a story starting with the main protagonist looking out from behind the curtain….

This baby got me a prize. J

n yes, like me blog ka page on facebook J

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Speed Seduction

I am a babe magnet.

Like a magnet, I can repel any woman alive - anytime, anywhere, anyhow.

For years, my life has been the opposite of the Axe deo ad - women simply used to fall out of the sky and then after seeing me, they all run away like crazy in the opposite direction. And it’s always been the case for a long, long while. When I was a kid, I was a chota magnet and now, well, like you guessed, am a bada magnet - my luck with women never seem to change.

And for me, love has been a lot like Bangalore traffic - often with no warning, my prospective love life suddenly turns into one way (esp after Raksha bandhan), usually my journey gets punctuated by the rude entry of unwanted traffic-cop-like characters like my sweethearts’ better looking boyfriend(s), and since my seduction always starts with me offering to drop her home on my bike, my love story usually ends even before it starts, if she happens to find a good auto driver.

For years, I have been dreaming of becoming the main character in the Axe deo ad – but the Axe Effect has always worked as the Axe Defect for me. I even tried mixing all those other deos (Wild Stone, Set Wet, and other deos whose ads show promising results) and applied the resulting cocktail to my body and the closest it got me to a woman was the hospital nurse who treated me for the resultant skin rashes. And I’m not even going to talk about the many multi colored vibrant undies I bought inspired by that stupid old Frenchie ad.

And then, I met ‘the dude’ who has good teeth, good hair and supposedly good success with women. And he told me that the secret to success with not only women, but with people in general, is well, simply ‘hair’. And since I am mallu, my shocked response to his hair comment was also the same(in mallu).

But he was right. A secret to getting noticed, which is the first step to success with people-in-general, is believe it or not, getting your hair right.

Let me give you an example – go to a crowded place and just look around you. You’ll see a lot of people whom you’d probably forget in seconds but the people you end up noticing are generally the people who take care of themselves and curiously enough, these people have good hair (remember Sanjay Malakar from American Idol). Whether they gel it, streak it, comb it or do whatever with their hair, those that take care of their hair quite well, get noticed. Between two random strangers, the one who strikes you more is often the one who has better hair. In fact, hair is one of the basic fundas that actors work on to get into the skin of a new character – recall Aamir Khan’s hair in his different personas in Dil Chahtha Hai, Mangal Pandey, Ghajini, 3 Idiots etc.

In fact, upon my zealous research (i.e mindless googling) into this area, I found that the humble hair plays a big role in creating powerful first impressions for a person. We all know that the face that is one of the first things we notice about others and research says that hair not only frames the face but also can substantially transform it. Some cool findings from this research below(along with my worldly wise comments J):

For a killer First Impression....

For a killer first impression, you should choose a suitable hair style. Studies also say that the opposite gender gives a really big deal to hair.

For Women

  • Any hairstyle increases a woman’s perceived sexiness, but decreases a woman’s perceived intelligence (ok, no comment here J)
  • Women wearing short, untidy hair hairstyles (like Priyanka Gandhi) are seen as the most confident and outgoing. (Damn! That’s my hair style too – an I’m a celebrated introvert! Oh wait, I’m not woman )
  • Women with long, straight, brunette or blonde hairstyles (Shiela, Munni, Jalebi etc etc) are perceived to as the sexiest and most affluent. While in contrast, women with medium-length, casual looking hair(Kajol) are viewed as more intelligent and good-natured. (Katrina! Katrina! Katrina! Ok, I don’t know why I said this but I should learn to control myself… Katrina! Katrina! Katrina! )

For Men

  • Men wearing short, front flip hair (like John Abraham) are perceived as the most confident and sexy. They are also perceived as the most self-centered. (Taking notes -must have short front flip hair. ..must also have muscles...)
  • Men with medium length, side parted hair (think Mammootty) are viewed as the most intelligent and affluent – so if you wanna nail that interview, this is the look to have. But also, men with this style are also seen as the most narrow minded. (guess Mammootty cleared a lot of job interviews before becoming an actor )
  • Long hair on men suggests that he is probably less well-off than other men, but also suggests he is more open minded than them. (so if you don’t wanna treat anyone for ur bday, just grow long hair; and blame the recession!)

The research goes on to say that to create a good first impression, the choice of hairstyle can project an image of intelligence and self assurance, or even that of insecurity and arrogance. So it suggests hairstyles for different kinds of faces :

  • Round faces – If you have a round face, you should opt for hairstyles that create the illusion of length, like height and fullness at the crown and short at sides; this should make your round face look sexy as hell. I have a round face, btw (I also have a round body, btw).
  • Heart shaped – If your face is heart, i.e, with wide foreheads and small delicate chins, you should opt for styles that add fullness to the lower part of the face – bob cuts and wavy curls should make you hot, hip n happenin’.
  • Triangular faces – the opposite of the heart, the hair styles here should look at creating more fullness at the upper part. Top heavy layers are the thing for you.
  • Rectangular faces – Short and medium length hair are what the doctor recommends for you. Boing!
  • Oval faces – You lucky cheese! You’re simply born with it – any style looks good on you. Or rather, you make any look look good on you. J

So by now, you can see how the humble hair can make you stand out from the crowd (I am talking about the one on your head btw). And in our busy, busy schedules, it’s no surprise to learn that our hair is the one of the most neglected parts of our body. And who can blame us? In the race to our aspirations and our tipping work-life balance, we often neglect or take such things for granted.

For supa dupa killer Hair....

In the age of the google, hair care tips are a dime too many. So here’s a simplified R-A-J recommendation to taking care of hair which is just a three letter word (for a change, it’s not four ;))- It’s ''SSS''– the secret to great hair is to just focus on Shine, Strength and Style. As simble n humble as that!

Since Style is already covered earlier (depends on your face type), let’s just focus on Shine andStrength with just three points, most of which, fortunately we already know:

  • Hair Care - Like our moms and grandmas say - Oil your hair at least once every three days. And after you apply oil, massage your head so that it sticks to your scalp and then let it stay on your head for about an hour before washing it off. You could shampoo it off but nothing beats the thrill of a great night’s sleep after a hot oil bath – so its suggested that you shampoo it off the next day after a great night’s sleep. And remember to use conditioner after shampoo for that extra zing for the hair. And with gel, well, it’s said that you should apply it in such a way that it is applied only on the hair and not on the scalp. The point to be noted, me lord, is that if you are venturing out to put foreign things on your hair, make sure you use reputable brands. Key takeaway here is oil, massage, shampoo, condition and always choose reputed brands.

  • The eatings and the drinkings - Ok, I should probably the last person on earth to say this but here goes – go low on junk food, sleep well and get some exercise. So the next time you get yourself those cheese filled pizza, deep fried mangurian and chocolate drippy drips, you should just say ‘No’, hit the treadmill and resend all these goodies to my home address. J And yes, drink lots of liquids – but no, this is not an excuse to get drunk – but get this - beer is supposed to be good for your hair (Yes!! Another reason to go get some beer!! Cheers, mate!) But jokes apart, just to make you a li’l more guilty, tobacco n alcohol are considered villains to your hairy love story. So have at least 10 glasses of water every day (yes, without the whiskey! J). Key takeaway here is exercise, have lotsa water and yes, maintain a balanced diet.

  • Hair Repair - This is often the most neglected part of hare care. And actually, things like hair fall, split ends, dryness and dullness are not really the problem – the real problem is hair damage. Hair can get damaged due to variety of reasons like coloring, curling, straightening, dyeing, permanent chemicals, poor diet or even heat from hair dryers. If your hair has split ends or if your hair feels brittle or harsh, it is most likely damaged. To repair damaged hair, you could choose from home made remedies (eggs and oil, hot oil treatments, vitamin E capsules etc) or consider branded products. My personal selection here is the latter, as it’s a lot more hassle-free. Key takeaway here is, if your hair is damaged, switch to reputed brands immediately.

Something I found quite helpful (and extremely convenient) is the Dove Nourishing Oil care line, consisting of the hair care necessities - oil, shampoo, conditioner and repair mask- all in the same range. It consists of a daily use Shampoo with Vita Oils, a dual stripe Daily Treatment Conditioner with the power of double nourishment, a Repair Mask that nourishes deep inside for 99% smoother hair and a Vita-Oil serum that provides instant smoothness and shine without weighing down the hair. Vita-Oils apparently go deep inside the hair fiber to lock in moisture and hence nourish it with every wash without leaving a greasy feel. Quite convenient and yes, I'm a sucker for brand Dove. J

And bingo! That’s it – just focus on Shine, Strength and Style with the above tips for your hair and baal baal bach jayenge J. Sure there are more advanced tips too but to be honest, I would never find the time to follow them in my supposedly busy life; so I wouldn’t really expect you to either, but if you do have the extra time and the extra energy, you could use that valuable time to check out the remainder of my hard working blog and follow it. J

So what’s my WoW hair moment?....

Well, judging by what I eat (that’s a monster burger in the pic-with extra fries, extra cheese, extra mayo n extra junk!), it’s no surprise that I have more weird hair moments than wow; but I still manage to get compliments by concentrating on the third 'S', of the 'SSS' (Shine, Strength and Style). I focus on Style to get me my compliments and I usually experiment a lot with my hair on the weekends and most of my amused friends’ reactions have varied between ‘WTF’, ‘dead rat on ur head?’ to ‘That’s so cool, man!’ Of course, for the Strength and Shine aspects, I have my biweekly oil bath followed by shampoo-conditioner the next day. But I’d like to think I am blessed with good hair though I am sure there is much more I should be doing to take care of my hair. And of the few worthy WoW hair moments I remember, one that is top of my mind right now is when a childhood buddy of mine, who is now a model, told me that he was jealous of my hair in school (guess mom’s strict oil-every-day regime seemed to have been working). Some things that I presently do with my hair is to use a few drops of coconut oil, instead of using gel; and yes, whenever there’s beer leftover from the day before (which seems to be always J), I use it on my hair as the last rinse after shampooing.

So I’m sure you’re wondering – as mentioned at the start of this story, has all this speed seduction helped me with getting my Katrina?

Well truth be told, not really. But the good thing is today, with my great head of hair(J), I’ve developed a certain level of confidence in myself that even when I get rejected, I’m quite cool with it. I just pity the girl cos she just blew her chance to get to know the great guy that I am ( even on my bad hair days J).

And plus, I have the mental satisfaction that she just turned down a great guy with such great hair and great panache.

(Proudly swishing my short hair to glory….)


This is an entry for the Dove-IndiBlogger "Love is a two way street; love your hair and it loves you back" contest. You can check out more comments and thoughts on this same subject on my other blog. Pics courtesy-mai baap google.

If you like this post, promote me at ib, like me on facebook, or follow me here.

If not, likewise.J