fuck love

a blog on 'life' and other popular four letter words...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I proposed to her 13 times and she said 'No' all the 13 times.

Opposite attract.

And it is this attraction that is the breeding ground for a very powerful type of electric chemistry. Neha and I are the perfect examples of staunch opposites. We studied together and while she was the teacher’s pet, the same teacher treated me like some lost pet. While she was the Maths topper, I was the undisputed champion of flunking not just Maths, but all the other subjects too (My unbroken record of scoring ‘zero-outta hundred’ for all six semester tests still remains unbroken). While she was the lady everybody wanted to date, I just wanted to date everybody (Gender rules applied!). While she was the college fashionista, my aversion to water and shaving didn’t really help my score on the style quotient. And yet, we somehow connected; there existed a magical chemistry between the two of us. We both hail from God’s own country and whenever we talked in our highly polished convent educated English, our version of the Queen’s language somehow had a faint un-kingly mallu accent, which we both laughed off together many a times. We were always part of different friend groups but we used to find each other in our crowd of friends and always tried to sit next to each other as much as possible for the group eating sessions and the weekend movies with all the friends. We realized that we both liked exactly 3 ice cubes for our vodka and quirkily, both of us loved mayonnaise with our grilled chicken. We loved the same TV shows and hated the same movies. Inspite of all our glaring differences, we had a lot of things in common.

But she never said Yes to me. For 13 times.

And I never took No for an answer. For 13 times.

But after all the times she said ‘No’, she used to greet me with her beautiful broad smile the next day and warmly console me saying “at least, we’re good friends”. And then after a while, I’d propose to her again. And she’d reject me again. And she’ll console me again with her lovely smile the next day. And this went on again and so forth. But with each rejection, we got more and more close. And slowly, we had become inseparable.

Like all good things in life, college came to an end. And while she got placed in Bangalore, I had to relocate to Amsterdam for three years. She had to go to her new office almost as soon as we finished college while I had about 2 months before leaving the country. I decided to be in Bangalore for the two months rather than going home to Kerala so that I could be with her before my three year stint in Amsterdam. I also wanted to propose to her one last time before being separated from her for what then seemed like eternity.

As college got over, we needed to move out of the college hostel and she needed to get a new place to stay. I stayed at my relatives place in Indiranagar. I helped Neha with getting a nice house near her new office, I helped her with buying the furniture, I helped her with getting the gas connection and I helped her with looking into the details of her rent agreement and I made sure I got her her favorite red, red roses every now and then. I helped her cos she gave me that beautiful broad smile of hers more often. I helped her cos I felt happy helping her. I helped her cos I simply wanted to. I helped her cos I was in love. During the day when she went to her office in Koramangala, I used to wait at my relatives place in Indiranagar and in the evening at 6:30, I used to meet up with her and spent time with her till about 10:30 after which I caught the last bus back to Indiranagar. This routine went for the most of the two months. But I still hadn’t proposed to her for the 14th time. Also I did feel that she was expecting me to propose to her before leaving the country. So a week before my flight to Amsterdam, I went home to Kerala to bid adieu to my loved ones there and decided to come back to Bangalore a day earlier. Neha was expecting me a day later so I thought I’d surprise her. I was going to propose to Neha for the 14th and final time. I was nervous but I knew that 14 would be my lucky number.

I reached Bangalore at 6 in the evening and as soon as I reached, I bought a huge bunch of big red roses, the type she liked, and headed straight to her house. I was carrying the huge bunch of roses which covered almost half my body. I gave a big smile to the many, many amused onlookers. As I reached her house, I could hear my heart pounding against my chest. I was really nervous but I knew that everything would turn out well. I stood at her front door and I rehearsed my lines again for the umpteenth time. As I was taking a deep breath, I noticed that her front door was open and I could hear noises from inside the house. She must be making evening tea or something, I thought to myself. As I passed through the partially open door, I walked into her living room. The room was still dark but I could see light from her bed room across the hall. Suddenly I felt that something was amiss. Something was not right. I slowly walked towards the lit up bedroom. And then I heard Neha saying something. There was somebody else with her in her bedroom!!! As I slowly walked towards the brightly lit room, I slowly started to see clothes which were scattered untidily all around the bed. And then, what I saw next froze me in my footsteps.

Neha was in the arms of a man in red, I still don’t remember what he wore but I knew it was distinctly red. They both stood by the bed and he was standing facing towards me and she had her head rested against his chest. He had his arms around her and I think I saw a smile on her face, which was largely covered in his embrace. It was a fire-freeze moment for me: when multiple sets of strong opposing emotions were running frantically against each other in my mind. I wanted to yell out but I could not find my voice. I wanted to lunge the huge bunch of roses, the ones she liked, at him but I could not even move. I was angry, agitated and was screaming wildly inside my mind and yet I did not make a sound. A violent and dirty sense of hatred for the man in red passed through me which was opposed by a deep feeling of love for the one who was in his arms. I could feel blood rushing furiously into my face, tears building up in my eyes, I couldn’t breathe properly and felt that I would choke but I neither cried nor whimpered. I wanted to run far, far away but I also wanted to stay back and ask her how she could do what she was doing then. I did none of the above. I just stood there frozen with a heavy floral bunch in my hand looking at the love of my life in the arms of another man.

She slowly opened her eyes to see me standing right behind her and I saw her smile fade. As her eyes met with mine, I regained my composure and I stormed out of her house in a violent rage that shook off most of the petals off the roses and I marched away in utter disgust. The last I heard was her calling out my name behind me. I suddenly started running in some random direction and kept running. A flood of tears clouded my sight but I still kept running aimlessly. An hour or two later, I found myself sitting under a tree, humiliated, exhausted and dejected.

A week later I left the country with my heavily broken heart.

Three years later, I realized that three years in a foreign country is a really long period of time. I realized that three years is enough time to understand words like loneliness, friends, family and forgiveness. Since mobiles or internet hadn’t become big then, my only contact with home was the weekly ISD calls. I realized that I wanted to come back home as soon as possible. I realized that I was missing the Indianness in my life. I realized that I was missing my life in India. I also realized that I was still madly in love with Neha. But nobody I knew had any idea where she was. There were also rumors that she was about to get married. Three years later, I also learnt that the man in red who I saw her hugging that day was her younger brother Montu. I realized that I had to do something with my life and I had do it fast. But I didn’t know what to do.

Today, 11 years after that fire-freeze moment, I’m back here in India. I have two beautiful children, Neil and Nikila, and the man in red is today, my brother-in-law.

I proposed to her 13 times and she said No all the 13 times.

She never said Yes to me. For 13 times.

But I never took No for an answer. for 13 times.

She later told me that she said Yes to me for the 14th time not because of any ever blasting love but because she simply got fed up of saying ‘no’ and that she hoped that, at least a ‘Yes’ would shut me up.

Liar she is.



Have you ever had a similar fire-freeze moment - an unforgettably magical moment when you felt two strongly opposite emotions? Love/Hate? Elation/Sadness? Anger/Sympathy? The desire to move forward yet run away at the same time?


  1. Hi Raja,
    I can only saw 'WOW'.
    Trust you will find time, to update your blog more frequently.


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  2. Dude! Thats an awesome story! Really really awesome one! I never like mushy lovey doevy stories, this one had me gripped at each word, till the very end! great one man! Loved it!
    all the best to you man!

  3. :O very well written! and kudos to u 2 brother if its true :) :)

  4. very gripping till the end,try n try until you succeed. great motto.

  5. beautiful ... i have a similar story .. but the difference i never proposed. and my time frame was higher .. 13 yrs :-)

  6. A Hindi saying goes: Der aaye duroost Aaye. Those thirteen 'Nos' gave you such memorable romantic days, otherwise it would have been so boring.

  7. Gripping and very well written too! Keeps one excited till the end

  8. simply awsome:)
    I love the end....
    I also had one such moment in life which you call fire-freeze. Which way to go...
    I call it Gathaa

  9. Oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just cant belive it !!! amazing story !! too beautifully written

  10. Hi Raj, U told an amazing story (not story, ur life). I too did it but not for 13 times, I took only 6 times and she said Yes. The reason is same as you

  11. Haha! 13 is a disturbing number!After reading this, I kind of wonder if it takes this much to be in Love, well I'm quite happy at the moment! All the Best For the Contest! :)

  12. Nice write up.. liked your blog.. :)

  13. Wow !! Very well expressed with a little tinge of humour !! Good luck ..to u and Neha !!:-)

  14. Hey peoples, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

    Prashant, will definitely do...thanks :)

    Princess Smitten, thanks :)

    Thanks Addy :)

    Thanks stnomad :)

    Likemymusings, thats the motto of my life. Thanks :)

    Sauvik, thanks for the support :)

    Laxman, totally agree..thanks :)

    Preena, thanks :)

    @nimesh, thanks and did check out Gathaa..loved it :)

    Thank you Vijeta :)

    Thanks Shrideep :)

    Naimishika, thanks for the support..yup, 6 is definitely better :)

    istupify, thanks :)

    Thanks Arpit :)

    Thank you Shobana :)

  15. Nice ... Very Nice .....


  16. Good experience .... i like it.... dude
    good luck

  17. You naughty man, you had me thinkin dirty thoughts with this sentence "I slowly started to see clothes which were scattered untidily all around the bed. And then, what I saw next froze me in my footsteps."


    I sure as hell hope Neha's story aint the story of the girl in this one:

  18. Interesting! :)

    I like the ending lines very much. :)

    I enjoy reading this post. :)

    Best wishes. :)

  19. The phrase 'Try n try till you succeed' worked best for you. Keep going.

  20. good one
    so u got ur love as life and u wife!!
    MAy god bless uboth
    and good narration

  21. Hi Ritz, thanks for ur comments...liked ur blog :)

    AnilKumar89, could relate 2 ur post ..thanks for ur comments :)

    Thanks totaltrauma, wait4my next blog fr that ;) Thanks 4 ur comments :)

    Thank you Chandrika Shubham :)

    Thanks Pinky :)

    Hey Afshan, thanks :)

    Thanks Doc :)

  22. This was so cool! dint think it could happen to any1 for real! was feeling bad for u whn u saw her, and then all of a sudden u take a U turn!
    best of luck!

  23. can make a short film out of this good write up!

  24. Anytime, Ramesh :)

    Rupeyy, thanks :)

  25. awwwwww.....
    such a lovely post....

    I was thinking i was goin to read another sad ending after going through the rose episode.. but ending was cool...

    liar indeed she is

    good luck for the contest bro

    my story is here...

  26. Nice story! And bravo one needs to be tough cookie for not to crumble even after being rejected for first 13 times. Now that's spirit :)


  27. Amazing , you have manged to bring all the style of writing starting from funny to suspense in single story

  28. aww! very cute story :) nicely written!

  29. Ahahah! Awesome bro :) :)

  30. Raj - very dramatic. And honestly i am not the one for drama, huge bouquets, running away, etc etc. But one thing - you write well. Crisp - sharp and engaging. Am glad you are where you are today.. it could have been different (i do believe this is largely a true narration). *smiles*

  31. Love the story !!!
    All the very best...

  32. Hey Amit, thanx fr ur comments :)

    Thanks Piyush :)

    Thank u dhaami :)

    Thanks Indranil :)

    Thanks Ajit :)

    Hey Mayank, thanks for ur observations :)

    Thank u Rituparna :)

    Always Geeta, thank u :)

  33. Hi Raj, Thats such a lovely story you have there and to know that it is your real story adds to its attraction. Hey you dont even need this comment, there are so many already showering you with compliments :) All the very best for the contest, I am sure you are gonna sweep all the votes. By the way thanks for the comments on my post and also for the vote. Dont mind, but for such a lovely blog isn't the name a little heavy duty... ;) pls dont mind !!! I know its your blog and your sweet willl...
    take care.I am just gonna hop over to vote for you...

  34. Hey der soul speaks,
    Thank u 4 ur kind comments n ur vote; this story was only the beginning. Like the great man once said, "Picture abhi baakhi hai mere dost"..stay tuned :)

  35. what a story!! Not the typical love story but yet so touching and brilliant.

  36. great story man... touched... :)

    i blog at

  37. Very dramatic, but Well written one, loved reading it..
    All the best man..!

  38. like this post? are you kidding me dude? i LOVED IT! WOW! What a story!! i so want to meet you guys in person, esp. neha!

    lots of blessings to you guys!

  39. Awesome, exhilarating, thrilling. What more can I say. I held my breath while I read the last part of the blog. Superb, fantastic, beautiful. God bless you both.

  40. Hey Raj...that was a lovely love story... :) :) I am glad you tried and at last succeeded :P :P followed Leo Tolstoy :P hehehehe.. You have a very nice blog here...
    The post was very magical, the same way your magical chemistry is.. :)


  41. It was a cliff hanger kind of love story....got a good style of narration....
    You/The Hero seemed to have followed the adage "IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN."....sure worked for him, lucky guy....
    I will be voting for this story because it was moving...

  42. Good one Bro...Keep it up.. :)..

    Good turns and twists towards the end part...

  43. Hey techeela, thanks man :)

    Thanks Devi Inc :)

    Thanks a lot, SEPO :)

    Thanks Vishal :)

    Yup, Tolstoy is it :)...thanks Tanu :)

    Thank a lot Rekha for ur kind comments n vote. :)

    Thanks sm :)

    Thanks Vishnu :)

  44. Dude it's an awesome...awesome...awesome "Heart-breaking" story... i really enjoyed it man!!!

    Perfect Love Story...

  45. I proposed hr 3 times... she said "NO" i want to leave n forget her..but she wants to be with me.. errr..

    dude.. guide..

  46. Cool narration......awesome story dude:)

  47. OMG! i loved the way u narrated it..the plot was fantastic too. people normally get weak in either of the two things but u ..u managed to take the story forward very elegantly and kudos to ur sprits..13TIMES !!! thats some no. now :)
    thnks so much for calling me here...good luck for the contest!


  48. Nice work! Loved your 'fire-freeze' moment!! All the best with the Contest :)

  49. Thank u Purba :)

    Hey Stranger, Thanks a lot for ur kind words. :)

    Thanks Thadisan :)

    Lage raho Shantanu bhai, lage raho ...:)

    Thanks Gizmo-King :)

    My pleasure Sarah, thanks for ur comments :)

    Thanks Venice :)

  50. wonderful narration!!

    best wishes for the contest!!

    voted :)

  51. Very well written..i liked the title most..very unusual..i wonder who suggested you????

  52. Hey magic eye, Thanks Deepak :)

    Hi Priya, thanks for ur kind comments... the title is very special one :)

  53. you should have a written a book on it dude not just a blog......nice one enjoyed reading it

  54. Thanks critics...book in pipeline ;)

  55. Dearest Neil and Nikila.. 13 times.. keep the count...;) we shall meet up sometime and take it forward...

  56. awww dats lovely :) loved it ,,,supa!!!

  57. Loved the post!! jus amazing!!

  58. Thanks Soni..thnx fr droppin by :)

  59. :) This is my first visit here, love this blog :)

  60. Thnx Indian Home Maker.. u just made my day :D

  61. hey man...i can call u my senior...my life is on same track as urs...hope it ends the same way as u rs...ive proposed 5 times :P
    but on a seroius note...superb post...

  62. Hey Sourabh, thnx man.. All the best, dude n thnx fr droppin by :)

  63. nice story...fantastic twist & turns...
    keep writing & smiling always... :)

  64. Thnx Sowmya.. u2..hope all is well :)

  65. Just loved it,Raj...! The beauty of the post is it doesn't allow the reader to get distracted...! A good flowing narration...!

    I do blog, Raj, If time permits, just visit my latest one...

  66. Thanks Satish for ur kind words n fr droppin by... yup just checked ur post..lovely read :)

  67. Hey, just chanced upon yur profile and what yu said yur heard NO 13 times... i guess i heard it more than tht and sadly i never heard yes....

    But trust me, this post is one of the nicest thing happened thruout the day...

  68. Welcum Smile!!! Thanks for goin thru my post... glad tht u liked it n my advice is 'lage raho' :)

  69. here s my attempt to write a love story


  70. Amazing! Loved the ending.. :) :) It's been a while since I last fell for a blog.. :D

  71. Too good!!! :) Is this a real one or just a story? Anyways i jus loved it !!! Way to go Raj!!

  72. Hey Pencilgirl, thnx so much fr ur kind words.. nice to see u here..welcome to my blog.. do drop by more often :)

    Hey Roshni, thnx so much fr ur kind words.. wud love to hv u drop by more often :)

  73. just one word: brilliant.
    the narration tugs at our heart-strings.

    that scene was so well etched that it seemed right out of a movie. we could see your pain, her smile, the bed, the roses ....

    btw, since I've seen you in person, i was surprised to know you are a mallu & father of 2 kids. you don't look like either.

    some love stories do end happily ever after. touch wood for yours :)

  74. Thnx Sujatha fr the very kind words .. glad u liked it :)

  75. Superb (real-life) story! Loved the good ending...I'm still surprised to find a blog which has my last post's title :) Good work again!

  76. Amazing man .. I loved the happy ending.. :-) This one post is enough for readers to fall for your blog. keep up !

  77. Hey Droopy Rose, thnx fr droppin by n yap, read ur post too :).. nce 2 knw u found it good.. do drop by more often.. really nice to hv u here :)

    Hey Aneesh, thnx so much fr ur kind words man..glad u liked it... welcum to ma blog n do drop by more often dude.. :)

  78. ummmM ... heyy brO .... again I too am struck by ur storY ... somehow I feel yu are a geat writer .... but more importantlY .... yu can connect with the readeRZ and we can with yu ... hats off broo .... great story ... nd Ur blog is really good ...!!

    Somehow ... i feel yu rnt unlike Chetan Bhagat ..!!
    Keep up the gudd work ... :) .... try to become a novelist .... would love to read a book of yours ..! :) :D :)

    1. Bro, that's the nicest thing someone's ever told to me in a long while, man .. :) Wow, I'm like still floating up in the air..

      thnx soo much bro.. really, really appreciate ur kind, kind words.... I'll probably keep lookin at ur comment here just to pep myself up man.. thnx fr tht :)

      would love to hv u more here man.. do drop by more often bro.. n thnx a lot fr makin my day man... :)

      takin a bow.. :)

      n btw, book on d way :)

  79. That's quite an interesting story! wow! it must be wonderful to wake up every morning to see the woman you loved madly all your life right besides you! :)
    you have some awesome things to tell your children! :)

    you might like to read this. http://audereagereauferre.blogspot.in/2011/05/dreaming-damsel.html :)

    1. Hey Diksha, glad to see u here.. glad tht u liked it :)

      Loved ur story, Diksha.. absolutely beautiful one.. Happy Anniversary to them.. wishin them n u all the happiness n joy, Diksha :)

      Thnx fr droppin by Diksha n fr sharing with me such a beautiful story :)

      do drop by more often :)

  80. Olden times there were story-tellers then there are bloggers n then there is Raj.

    1. And then there are comments like this one from you that really make our days... :)

      Thanks so much yaar for the very kind words :)

  81. Wah... Kya love story hai yaar!!!... Love story ho to aisi...
    Full action, masala, drama, rona-dhona, pyaar, mohabbat... kya baat hai
    This is definitely a story worth telling the masses... Plz do write that book... I mean I should ask whether you have written that book or not?

    1. Hey Thinker, glad to see you here! Welcome to my blog!

      Nah, the book still remains a figment of my fertile imagination :)

      Thanks for dropping by.. do drop by more often! :)

  82. Simply awesome! Amazing & well penned :)
    Have a look at my blog here: http://wwwdanu.blogspot.in :)