fuck love

a blog on 'life' and other popular four letter words...

Monday, April 22, 2013

I wanna be an Asshole

with his recent comments about Anne Frank, Bieber has made us proud by showing that he is simply more than an asshole.


Caution #1 : This post says ‘Asshole’ a lot of times.

Caution #2: This post also has ‘fuck’ written pretty boldly at the top, so really??? 

Caution #3 : This post also says ‘Bastard’ once.

Caution #4 : See Caution #2 .


When I grow up, I wanna be an asshole!

(ok wait!.... I’m already grown up….. wait again! I might already be one…. hmmm…. )

They say that everyone has two ends - one to sit with and another to think with - and success depends on which end is used more.  Assholes are the human personification of one of those two ends (yes, this statement is true both literally and metaphorically).

Contrary to the popular notion, being a hooker is not the oldest profession in the world, being an asshole is – I’m sure the first hooker became one because of some asshole.  Assholes are omnipotent – they’re everywhere - I mean, I’m sure everyone reading this post would know of at least one asshole (please be sensitive here – we’re talking of a person here and not a body part).  And it’s an equal opportunity scenario - it does NOT discriminate based on gender – like many people know, asshole is a purely a state of mind – and some women show high potential for it too (endearingly referred to as a ‘bitch’). 

Consider our everyday instances when we have been touched by an asshole:

* The jerk who scratched your new car 
* The jerk who sets up meetings at 5PM on Fridays
* The jerk who upsets social accepted norms and civilities and asks out loud, “Jaantha nahi mera baap kaun hai?”, thereby proving that some assholes are not made, it’s heredity. 
* Politicians – oooo, these are a higher breed of this species. Respect!

But the thing about assholes is that they obviously rule.  In the dating scene, it’s said that women tend to fall for the assholes.  In the work space, it’s the assholes who score.  Even in life, the asshole who is known to cover his own ass first is often more successful than the aam aadmi, who is more careful of not offending the people around him than of his own success.  In short, Asshole is not just a piece of ass - it’s a winning way of life.

Unfortunately we are all very nice people.  And we live in a society where we all strive to be even nicer people - we all were brought up saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all” and there are more nice people out there than bad.  But you know the age old adage, right – “nice guys finish last” So we need to be assholes to get ahead in life and succeed. 

Now this is a contest post – it’s an Indiblogger-Microsoft contest(www.office365.in) where you blog about your dream business and how you could use Microsoft Office 365 in it.


So my dream business clearly is to start my dream company called ‘Assaholics Anonymous’ – a team of consultants (obviously known as ‘the Assholes’) dedicated to bring out the ‘asshole’ in you.  Our core belief is that we think everyone has an asshole hidden in them; our consultants help to bring that asshole out to the fore.   Our success rate are the industry best and we have helped a lot of people move from ‘DumbAss’ to ‘totally BadAss’

Obviously since most people despise assholes but still want to emulate them, our team shall remain anonymous but are closer to you than you think - through the tech advancements of Office 365, we’re just a mail or a chat or a call near you.  You could always send us an outlook mail (obviously by using the ubiquitous Office 365) to describe in detail of your situation.  Our Assholes and senior PITAs (Pain in the Ass) will be on the job and these wise asses and smart asses will consult you to help you get your ass back into the game.  We’ll sent you case studies of success stories in Office 365 Powerpoint formats so that you could peruse through them in your laptop, tab or smartphone.  And if email doesn't work for you and if you want to talk with us via mobile or PCs, you could always call us on your Lync and have a freewheeling conversation with our Assholes (and did I mention that Lync to Lync calls are free!). 

Follows is our patented, highly regarded and totally scientific learning methodology and framework (totally!) - First you can contact us at our website and send us an outlook mail writing us of your unique situation/problem.  After that , we assign an Asshole to consult you.   You will first receive an outlook mail from our Asshole with a set of specific questions. The mail will also have their Lync contact details.  Once you answer these questions honestly, our Assholes figure out what kind of an asshole you are and at which stage of the Asshole cycle you are currently in based on our patented framework below:

  • Level 0 - "Dumb Ass" – A total novice to becoming an Asshole.  Has had a bad love life, sex life and is usually a doormat at office. 
  • Level 1 - "Can’t find your ass" – Still gets it in the ass but wants to do something about it – but doesn’t know how. 
  • Level 2 - "Smart Ass" – Knows his shit well. But still needs to learn to keep his ass down. 
  • Last Level - "Bad Ass" – The Rock Star of the Asshole World. A true blue Asshole! Often respectfully referred to as a ‘bloody bastard’. 

After which, you can bet your ass that our Assholes will bust theirs to make you into one. You will also receive free lifetime access to our sharepoint of inspiring case studies and success stories. 

Why do I consider this as the dream business?  Cos of the enormous opportunity – there so many nice people and so few assholes – of converting the former into latter and of course, the sheer joy of making an ass of all these people.

So don't forget to hit 'Like' on our fb page for 'Assaholics Anonymous' (here).

To building up the world’s most popular community – bottoms up!




10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Welcome to my blog, Krishnanand :)

      Glad u liked it man :) Do drop by more often man :)

      Delete
  2. Cant agree more. The world is filled with Assholes, both literally and figuratively. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Kanthu, welcome back man! :)

      yup, totally agree with u man.. its a full ass world out der :)

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. thesis I wish :)

      Welcome and thanks for dropping by, Sangeeth :)

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Good Lord Punam! Long, looong time eh? :)

      Hey , me can't seem to be able to come over to ur blog :(

      Cud u share the link pls?

      Otherwise, hope all is well on ur side Punam.. hope all is well and good with u :)

      Happy to see u here, my friend :)

      Delete
  5. Caution 1-4 really made me want to read your post in the same way that fuck lured me to your dungeon um... I mean your blog. Yes, that's it.

    Don't ever use the word politician when I'm having lunch. Please. Or else I'll see no alternative but to send you to my Blue Master Boot Camp. You may even bring your friends. Pretty girls, preferably.

    ReplyDelete