fuck love

a blog on 'life' and other popular four letter words...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

How to Renew your Passport

My initial choice of topic heading for this post was ”How to fool people and cheat them” so you get the idea, rite? J

So I needed to get my passport renewed.

Now the normal way of getting it done was find an agent, allow him to fool you, pay him money for it, allow him to fool you more, pay him more money for it and after that, repeat process again and again till you’re satisfied with the fooling and the money giving. How do I know this? Well, how do you think I got my driving license? J

Now, my passport would expire in August and my friend’s wife is pregnant and due in October. So how is it related? Oh it is.

  • Point no 1: Since my friend’s wife is being taken to her parents in July, he will be living a bachelor’s life again from July to December.
  • Point no 2: Since he lives in Dufai (also known as Dubai amongst non mallus; else it has always been ‘Dufai’), the house that he and his wife lovingly built (knowing him, I’m sure its only his wife who built it; he was just probably drinking beer and complaining bout the damn TV reception. No wonder we’re friends J)… anyways, like I was saying, his house is free and (ok, here it comes, background music rising)… he has invited moi to spent a week of bachelor fun in the Dufai with him.
  • Point no 3: My passport expires in August and I can’t travel hence. So I need a new passport.
  • Point no 4: Damn.
  • Point no 5: Damn again.
  • Point no 6: Damn. (I just like saying ‘Damn’J.. it’s my second most popular word after the ‘f’ word. And of course, Beer. J)

So I needed to get my passport renewed.

Now in Bangalore, the process is that you need to go online, download an application form, complete it and upload it again and schedule an appointment(that’s online too). At the appointment, you need documents to prove that you exist – mostly address proof, that’s all. Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, like they say the devil is in the details; and the devil and I have been fighting ever since he took Silk Smitha away from me . It was fairly easy downloading the form (maybe my extensive years of downloading porn seems to be finally helping). Filling the form too was comparatively easier too (I’ve always was good at copying from one paper to another – my degree certificate stands testimony to that fact). But after that, it’s hell. The damn (lovely word, ain’t it?) site doesn’t open after that. I keep trying to upload the completed forms and well, the damn site simply does not open. Finally, after a week of trails and tribulations, it just opened and I was able to finally upload the completed application form. Now I needed to schedule a meeting. That’s where the damn site started to take over my life. I started waking up early morning at 9(!) just to schedule an appointment and I was never able to. The damn (lovely word, ain’t it?) site doesn’t open. They even had a toll free number, which I whole heartedly abused.

Now, I love toll free numbers. I always like chatting up with women on toll free numbers - its free and they’re the only women in my life who do not hang up after 30 seconds of talking with me. If it’s a guy, I usually practice my bad language with them – So toll free numbers always used to spice up my (non-existent) love life and spruce up my (non-intelligia) linguistic skills. So, they tell me that it’s my browser’s fault and I needed to download Mozilla or the latest version of IE to upload my form. The other crazy thing that they told me was that they only accept government forms as proof of address- so I needed to have either a public gas connection (mine’s private – damn!), or a BSNL landline phone bill address proof (mine’s Airtel – damn!) or a public bank statement with address (mine’s ICICI – damn!). So essentially, even if I uploaded the form on the site, the passport office will not accept any of my documents as proof of address. In their view, they shared the same view that all my old teachers shared - that I simply don’t exist. My dream of going to Dufai seemed that it would remain a dream only.

So then enter my cousin who said that if you’ve spent more than the last five years in Kerala, you can apply for the passport there. So we got another agent in Kerala, and I told him I needed to go immediately to Dubai. He confidently said “Dan’t werrry saaar, you will go to Dufai soon. My ungle is ollso….” . He made my application forms, told me that I needed to go to the Kochi Passport office early morning at 4 and stand in the queue. Since my address is the same as in my earlier passport and I have a valid US visa, it shouldn’t be much of a problem.

So we did as he told, stood in Kochi Passport center from 4 AM. There are lot of other agents there who try to capitalize on your ignorance. We had one agent telling somebody that the ‘place of birth’ column always had to have the word ‘Kerala’ written in it.. even if he was born in Bhopal!!! Another guy was born in Kerala but did not have the word ‘Kerala’ written so the agent said that his application would be rejected. The panicked person requested the agent to help and the agent wrote the word ‘Kerala’ in his application letter and charged him 200 bucks for the same. Finally, the counter opened, I gave in my application. It was not too difficult and the officials were quite helpful. A week later, I even had a successful police verification (they didn’t recognize me :P). And finally, I got my passport renewed (This time, I got a better pic too J).

So I tell my friend in Dufai that all is done and that I’m coming over to help him relive his bachelorhood days and he sez that he changed plans and that he’s relocating back to Kerala.




  1. lol!!! that was superb! damn!!

  2. I second you saaar!
    DAMN it is! I have beenborn n bought up in Bhopal but studying in Cochin, though the mallu blood runs in me i still consider myself a northy. The bloody passport officer dint accept my form since i wasnt in bhopal for last 3 yrs. Then i had to take the crooked way n said tht i am just school pass and staying in bhopal itself..thts how i got it done. Also my date of birth certificate was missing so had to make a new one with Born at HOME...written...no nurse needed. Lool

  3. :D R.O.F.L, this is Epic I tell you, pity you don't have Facebook share, this is sure to garner you at least a dozen fans...

    :D I SO appreciate the honesty, I have yet to meet a guy who admits to downloading porn, forget actually watching. All this when I KNOW every last one of them are doing both. Respect \m/

    “Dan’t werrry saaar, you will go to Dufai soon. My ungle is ollso….” - had me grinning so hard my cheeks hurt.

    As for the Indian Government and their stupid passports - I will say nothing more except that they made me spend my 18th birthday in their offices. And trust me the process is easier now - it's one thing to not being able to upload forms from the coziness of home and quite another to
    1) Reach at 7 in the morning, STILL brave a looong queue.
    2) Get to the actual officer by 2 in the afternoon.
    3) Get rejected 4 times for nonsensical reasons like them not bloody recognizing the hospital you were born in and such shit.

    Anyway, I was going to wish you a happy hangover 3, but now I guess it's inconsequential:P

    And damn, the post is good:) (I agree, it IS a nice word)

  4. Great post.
    Hadn't seen you using damn that often before! Or maybe I have not read all the psots.
    Silk smitha angle - good one.

  5. ROFL.... Hilarious....DAMN hilarious...

  6. in short u r fucked again...this is why i love this existence we call life, u run around, do everything tht u possibly can to make it easier to wake up and face yet another day, then the day decides to turn the table on you and literaly make you realize that the day ( time ) is in charge.

    life sucks..

    especially if ur friend is planning to relocate...every human being shud have a bachelor day in dufai....the denial of that is what gives rise to atheists ...

    damn...damn ...damn... ( thats for you to feel better...i know how much you like it)

  7. Glad u liked it Deepak...long time, man :).. thanx for droppin by :)

    Hahaha Red, n y do u call me "Sar"? don't u know the teachers who taught me wud consider it as the utmost sort of insult by elevating me to their levels? Just kiddin :D.. thx fr droppin by, Red :)

    Damn, Priyanks..thnx so much fr ur damn kind words.. glad u liked it :) Do drop by more often :)

    Sairam.. yap damn is my word of the season... n ya man, Silk Smitha... double Damn :(


  8. Thanks Sub..glad u liked it ..thnx fr droppin by:)

    So eloquently put, Tys.. Dufai shud b on very very soon ...thnx fr droppin by Tys :)

  9. So just go to Dufai anyway and come back with pictures of you having fun and make your married friend jealous. That'll serve him right for relocating and leaving you in a limbo. ;)

    And I'm there in your'Damn'club. I use a slightly different version of it, though. Dammit!!

    Oh by the way, awesome post, dammit!!

  10. We may be living in the 21st century but the government is still stuck in the 19th. You should come to Delhi to experience the real thing!

  11. LMAO! but damn? seriously! thats so teen amrican! I thought after f*** it was the symbolic fish!ok-that sounds even worse...

    i'll stick to bloody hell (and i know that sounds 'jolly well' brit but shag it!)

  12. Ha Ha... btw, Ekta Kapoor is looking for you for some discussion for her Silk Smitha based movie :Dirty Picture: :P

  13. Hey Spiff, tht is part of the new plan now.. Damn, there's more of us on this planet too..dammit :)

    Purba-ji, u're right on that one :)

    Hahaha ...Right on, Sandy, right on :)

    Hey Lakshmi, she kicked me out of the project cos I kept hiding all the film reel at home :)

  14. Really enjoyed your post. I was reading this in office in the middle of a very boring telecon, and my stifled giggles kept attracting a few scowls :)
    And I totally agree with the 'ongle in Dufai'. I think every Mallu has atleast one in Dufai.

  15. Thanks MerryMusing for droppin by ..glad u liked it.. fr the record, I got three uongles in Dufai.. guess tht makes me a Super Mallu :)

    do drop by more often :)

  16. damn! my tummy ached... whadda post!!! Glad I found my way in here. And just adore the Dufai bit, the ungle olso and definitely Silk Smitha bit! And u should go to Dufai and celebrate the passport!

  17. Thnx Nirvana, glad u enjoyed it :)
    Yup, its definitely on my 'to do' list :)