I wanna be an Asshole

with his recent comments about Anne Frank, Bieber has made us proud by showing that he is simply more than an asshole.

Caution #1 : This post says ‘Asshole’ a lot of times.

Caution #2: This post also has ‘fuck’ written pretty boldly at the top, so really??? 

Caution #3 : This post also says ‘Bastard’ once.

Caution #4 : See Caution #2 .

When I grow up, I wanna be an asshole!

(ok wait!.... I’m already grown up….. wait again! I might already be one…. hmmm…. )

They say that everyone has two ends - one to sit with and another to think with - and success depends on which end is used more.  Assholes are the human personification of one of those two ends (yes, this statement is true both literally and metaphorically).

Contrary to the popular notion, being a hooker is not the oldest profession in the world, being an asshole is – I’m sure the first hooker became one because of some asshole.  Assholes are omnipotent – they’re everywhere - I mean, I’m sure everyone reading this post would know of at least one asshole (please be sensitive here – we’re talking of a person here and not a body part).  And it’s an equal opportunity scenario - it does NOT discriminate based on gender – like many people know, asshole is a purely a state of mind – and some women show high potential for it too (endearingly referred to as a ‘bitch’). 

Consider our everyday instances when we have been touched by an asshole:

* The jerk who scratched your new car 

* The jerk who sets up meetings at 5PM on Fridays

* The jerk who upsets social accepted norms and civilities and asks out loud, “Jaantha nahi mera baap kaun hai?”, thereby proving that some assholes are not made, it’s heredity. 

* Politicians – oooo, these are a higher breed of this species. Respect!

But the thing about assholes is that they obviously rule.  In the dating scene, it’s said that women tend to fall for the assholes.  In the work space, it’s the assholes who score.  Even in life, the asshole who is known to cover his own ass first is often more successful than the aam aadmi, who is more careful of not offending the people around him than of his own success.  In short, Asshole is not just a piece of ass - it’s a winning way of life.

Unfortunately we are all very nice people.  And we live in a society where we all strive to be even nicer people - we all were brought up saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all” and there are more nice people out there than bad.  But you know the age old adage, right – “nice guys finish last” So we need to be assholes to get ahead in life and succeed. 

Now this is a contest post – it’s an Indiblogger-Microsoft contest(www.office365.in) where you blog about your dream business and how you could use Microsoft Office 365 in it.

So my dream business clearly is to start my dream company called ‘Assaholics Anonymous’ – a team of consultants (obviously known as ‘the Assholes’) dedicated to bring out the ‘asshole’ in you.  Our core belief is that we think everyone has an asshole hidden in them; our consultants help to bring that asshole out to the fore.   Our success rate are the industry best and we have helped a lot of people move from ‘DumbAss’ to ‘totally BadAss’

Obviously since most people despise assholes but still want to emulate them, our team shall remain anonymous but are closer to you than you think - through the tech advancements of Office 365, we’re just a mail or a chat or a call near you.  You could always send us an outlook mail (obviously by using the ubiquitous Office 365) to describe in detail of your situation.  Our Assholes and senior PITAs (Pain in the Ass) will be on the job and these wise asses and smart asses will consult you to help you get your ass back into the game.  We’ll sent you case studies of success stories in Office 365 Powerpoint formats so that you could peruse through them in your laptop, tab or smartphone.  And if email doesn't work for you and if you want to talk with us via mobile or PCs, you could always call us on your Lync and have a freewheeling conversation with our Assholes (and did I mention that Lync to Lync calls are free!). 

Follows is our patented, highly regarded and totally scientific learning methodology and framework (totally!) - First you can contact us at our website and send us an outlook mail writing us of your unique situation/problem.  After that , we assign an Asshole to consult you.   You will first receive an outlook mail from our Asshole with a set of specific questions. The mail will also have their Lync contact details.  Once you answer these questions honestly, our Assholes figure out what kind of an asshole you are and at which stage of the Asshole cycle you are currently in based on our patented framework below:

• Level 0 - "Dumb Ass" – A total novice to becoming an Asshole.  Has had a bad love life, sex life and is usually a doormat at office. 
• Level 1 - "Can’t find your ass" – Still gets it in the ass but wants to do something about it – but doesn’t know how. 
• Level 2 - "Smart Ass" – Knows his shit well. But still needs to learn to keep his ass down. 
• Last Level - "Bad Ass" – The Rock Star of the Asshole World. A true blue Asshole! Often respectfully referred to as a ‘bloody bastard’. 

After which, you can bet your ass that our Assholes will bust theirs to make you into one. You will also receive free lifetime access to our sharepoint of inspiring case studies and success stories. 

Why do I consider this as the dream business?  Cos of the enormous opportunity – there so many nice people and so few assholes – of converting the former into latter and of course, the sheer joy of making an ass of all these people.

So don't forget to hit 'Like' on our fb page for 'Assaholics Anonymous' (here).

To building up the world’s most popular community – bottoms up!

What a Guy Thinks of All Day Besides Sex

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Faraway Music :: Book Launch, Bangalore

"Our greatest journeys are the ones without an address"

And so wrote author Sreemoyee Piu Kundu in her new book 'Faraway Music', a soulful saga of a best selling author named Piya Choudhury, who returns to her roots after a long hiatus. A powerful potboiler of human relations, the book saw its Bangalore launch at the uber cool Fava, at UB city.

Corporate powerhouse Geetanjali Kirloskar, from the Kirloskar group, and Chetan Kumar, Kannada movie star of blockbuster 'Mynaa' fame, added dazzle to the dazzling evening.

The beautiful evening was a packed event with authors, readers, well wishers and many, many beautiful people.... 

Author Andaleeb Wajid (of books 'My Brother's Wedding', 'More than just Biriyani' and 'Blinkers Off' fame) with Sreemoyee.

The BWW Boyz with the author Sreemoyee. Sreemoyee had dropped by at BWW earlier the week and met with us.

The irrepressible Manoviraj Khosla also dropped by.  Manoviraj is sporting the colors of the Bangalore IPL team, Royal Challengers, that were playing 2013's first IPL match in Bangalore at the nearby Chinnaswamy Stadium.

Hearts met, hearts spoke, hearts were mesmerized... The audience were in rapt attention to the author in conversation with Geetanjali and Chetan.

Sreemoyee Piu Kundu is the author of 'Faraway Music' and her next offering is an erotica 'Sita's Curse', followed by a lad lit 'You’ve Got the Wrong Girl' being published by Hachette. An ex lifestyle editor with publications like TOI, MetroNow, India Today & Asian Age and PR head, she’s currently working on her fourth title – 'Cut!'  Based in New Delhi, Sreemoyee calls herself a 'rebel romantic’ whose writing helps her discover ‘music in the mundane.’  She is an intrepid traveler, an incurable fashionista, a blogger on social causes and an avid poet.

Chetan doing an SRK on Gitanjali's request.

Sreemoyee and Chetan with entrepreneur Merlin and her friend Ekta .  Merlin's firm 'Rustic Motifs ' designed bookmarks exclusively for the book launch. The bookmarks (above right) showcased the traditional Kasuti folk art of Karnataka and were painted by women from the rural interiors of Dharawad.

The author has many reasons to be proud. Geetanjali Kirloskar loved Faraway Music because, “Every character, every detail was lined with such poetic promise.” Chetan, who read from the book, believes that it is the emotion and development of character that makes Faraway Music such a delightful read.  ‘Faraway Music’ has been hailed as sensuous, profound, lyrical and moving with every character so real, every loss so personal, every detail laced with poetic poignancy.  Faraway Music poses as many questions as it answers…questions of family, friendship, fame, love and loss. and all that lies in between. Faraway Music is a rage on the fiction charts.

Moi, the MC of the evening, looking like a peacock.

Floral scents, soft music, warm lights and the beautiful people of Bangalore accompanied Faraway Music on a beautiful night ...

Bring Faraway Music closer to your heart.  Buy Faraway Music (here)

For all Seasons

Sometimes when you look into a chilled glass of sparkling white wine, you see many things….

It’s been another day of mad rush, of never ending deadlines; of mind being soaked in the frustration of never ending traffic jams; of ears being pounded by mad cacophony of blaring horns, whirring engines and radios; of sweat, smells, dust and grime overwhelming you and your worn-out body…

and now finally in the evening, you’re cozily draped in the comfort of your home with a relaxing glass of chilled wine.

And as you look into it, you see many things…. sometimes you see your reflection on the glass… but sometimes, you just reflect on yourself….

You see that you’ve made it through another busy day and are glad that you’re finally at home, sweet home… You see that work, of late, has been pretty mad and even though it’s been topsy turvy, you know that you’re still handling things quite well… You see that you may not be able to understand everything that’s happening around you, but you are still secure in your feeling that you are definitely marching forward….

You see that you have your big goals for life and even though you put some other urgent things on priority, you know you that you’re still working towards them and are steadily inching towards achieving them…. You see that you’ve built some great relationships over time – some great friends, a great family, a great set of well-wishers … sure, you have your share of people who’ve been rubbed the wrong way but yet, they are far outnumbered by the people whom you can call your own and who will call you as their own…

You see that you’re smart, capable and dependable and tomorrow, you can get only better.  You see that you weren’t born with a silver spoon, but you’re confident of turning your life into gold with your hard work, actions and drive…. 

You see that you haven’t still made it yet but you know that you’re definitely getting there.  And that sometimes, you need a glass of sparking cold wine to celebrate the phenomenon that is you.

And sometimes when you look into a chilled glass of sparkling white wine, you see many things….

You see the little bubbles dancing in a swirl inside the golden liquid,  you feel a soothing chill on your fingers as you grasp the stem of the curvaceous wine glass and you smell a cold sparkle in the aromatic air that plays inside your nostrils..  and you anticipate the crisp flavors that will roll deliciously around your taste buds…

Sometimes it’s just not about drinking wine; sometimes you’re just celebrating yourself.

You see yourself and you like what you see… Because whatever season it may be,

you are becoming the success that you wanted to be.

Four Seasons Wine, for all seasons... (click here)

and for cool updates from the winery, hit 'Like' at the fb page (here)

The 'Write' stuff

Is it just me or doesn't suddenly the literary side of life in India seem to be booming?

I mean, I write this in the backdrop of news that Amish Tripathi, the man behind the Shiva trilogy, just got Rs 5 Cr as advance for his next series – mind you, the man hasn't an inkling of what his next book would be - that’s like my boss paying me my next three years’ salary this month itself based on my previous performance.

.. ok, wait….. bad example… I probably may have to pay him back…

Anyways, ….

Few more examples

–  the Bangalore Literary Festival, the first Lif Fest in namma Bengaluru,  was a resounding success. 

–  the loveless IT engineer today pens his luckless endeavors at love and strikes gold – from ‘I too had a love story’, don’t be surprised if one of us comes with a ‘I too have a book’

–  many people who can’t even write decent fb status messages now have a blog, a point of view and in most lethal cases, both ( a la moi). 

Also, yes the mushrooming of courses that claim to ‘bring out the writer in you’.  Last week there was some short story workshop in the city, which true to its name was also short – 4hours in total – but long on the moolah - at Rs 2000/-. 

So in the midst of myriad activities in the booming writing space, this blog attempts to give you an update on two writing related programs that I'd personally vouch for:

The Writer’s Mentor

Meetup.com was one of the coolest sites that colored my earlier weekends – it was a great place to find dates, meet new friends and connect with like groups.  And one of the coolest discoveries on the meet up site under the ‘writing’ section was ‘The Write Club.’   In their own words, they’re  – “a small bunch of people will get together on weekends and write things together”. Today after seventy-two such sessions, the ‘small bunch’ has successfully grown to six hundred members, and gets about twenty-five people every week. 

The Write Club is hosted by two time author, Sharath Komarraju, and now with the success of Write Club, Sharath has started The Writer’s Mentor, a free writer’s mentorship program to help first time writers to get published. (yes, you did read the ‘free’ part right )

So who is Sharath again?  OK, this is the part where I hide under a rock or something – Sharath’s been in the industry for 5 years, is twice published, has another 3 books coming out in the next year and his 6^th book is currently under evaluation now (phew!). 

What it is, this WM? It’s a free mentorship service to help unpublished writers get published.  Period.

What’s the methodology?  Most of it is imbibed from the Write Club. The Write Club uses a technique of writing on a given topic and feedback is given immediately by the  eclectic group of writers, thereby getting feedback from writers of different styles. The focus is on the Craft, on Writing, Publishing, Editing, Ins and Outs of the Industry etc.  You can hear more about it from the man himself in my interview with him above. 

What’s the cost?  The four words that can turn on any Indian – “ Its free baby, free.”

Seriously, what’s the catch?  Well, Sharath’s idea is to meet writers individually, look into her writing, understand where she is on the development phase,  figure out how much mentorship she requires, provide mentorship and work with her so that she gets published.  Yes, good people like him still exist on earth! 

Why do I vouch for this?  The man‘s published, knows the industry, has got the knowhow,  the credibility and the drive.  And yes, the network.

How do I reach out to Sharath? At his gmail id (link here).  And you can 'like' him here.


The Bangalore Writer’s Workshop (BWW)

I was part of this workshop and they’re focused to the craft of the writing – I’ve seen people cry due to their very rigorous feedback.  At my time, they were very focused on the writing of books and not really on blogs- this could have changed now cos I know that they change their syllabi actively in accordance to feedback.

What it is, this BWW?  As the name says.  Is a once a week course spread over 8 weeks. Ya, they also run a short story workshop.

What’s the methodology?  Each batch has about 8 -10 writers and they meet every week.  You send your work to everyone in advance so at the meeting, you get feedback from everyone including the facilitators – it’s a very ‘critique and discuss’ sort of methodology that they follow .  Once the course is done, the alumni meets up once every month continuing with the  ‘critiquing’ and ‘discussing’ of your (new) work.  In the process, a community of active writers, or BWW alumni, forms.  Once a while, they bring in published authors to whom you can ask questions.  Yas, they also run a book club.

What’s the cost?  8.5k for the writers workshop and 6.5k for the short story workshop.  The fees increase, so you can blame the government for the inflation.

Why do I vouch for this?  Cos they kill themselves to make you learn. Check out my feedback for their course (here).

How do I reach out to BWW? Apply at their website (link here)

Readers can comment below of other writing related courses/programs/websites that they found interesting.

Remember, life is short – either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

In either case, hope this post helps.

Feedback for Bangalore Writers Workshop

You can find this at the BWW website (here) too, with a better looking pic :)

Name:                                                                                    R-A-J (Ranjith Raj) 

Age:                                                        Seriously??? Isn’t it bad manners to ask?

Qualification:                                 ‘BE-MBA’ but nobody believes me anyways

Designation:  Last time I asked, my boss said, “You can call yourself whatever but we’re not paying you anything more!” 

What was your intent in signing up for the BWW? Would you say your intent was met? 

Besides the fact that my dad is freaking rich, he’s also a Rajnikanth fan; so after he saw ‘Arunachalam’ around the time I asked him for my monthly loan of Rs 6500, he said that I had to ‘earn’ the 6.5K by spending the same amount in a judicious manner, a la Rajni in the same movie – on the condition that it is not used for weed, booze, Sheilas or other such staples. Since I keep a blog that writes on love, life and other popular four letter words, I thought that a writing workshop could help me with my blogging and so invested the $ into BWW with a view to take my blog to the next level. However, it took me two sessions to realize that there was a mismatch between what I was looking for and what was being offered. But once I started looking at it from the perspective of writing a book (which the workshop is all about), I think the workshop turned out to be extremely satisfying, rewarding and quite of a learning experience. I am now very much motivated to get back into completing a book which I had started some two years back but abandoned mid way due to sheer laziness . As for the 6.5K loan that dad was to give me for my judicious use of money, well, I guess changing one’s mind runs in the family. 

What were your key take-aways from the workshop? Which of the sessions/discussions/topics covered did you find most beneficial to you? 

Well, my inherent kleptomania did surface every now and then during the workshop and some of my surreptitious and proud ‘takeaways’ were pens, erasers, potato chips, mints and fruits from the meeting room. But some things that would probably go down with me are: 

· The concept of lushing out characters and their plush development can really take a story to ‘WoW!’ levels.

· Mapping them out on a board and seeing how your story just elevates.

· Find one’s own voice and people will find you. 

Are there any other topics/methods you would like incorporated in the workshop? 

Since I still consider and did manage to convince my dad that the 6.5K was judiciously invested, I would still have loved it if you guys had given a non writer like me a glimpse of the whole writers’ journey. Right now, you’ve focussed on only the craft of a particular type of writing (and did a great job at it btw!) but I still don’t know about marketing a book in the Indian context, or how to get it published, or the various means of writing available to me or the various other dynamic factors that affect Indian writers. Think you had started off in that direction at the very beginning with some theory on ‘story arc’, ‘protagonists’ etc (concepts that I dish out generously at bars to pick up unsuspecting broads) thrown in but you dropped off from that line of tutelage almost immediately. 

How would you rate your Facilitators? Please give specific feedback to both.

The last time I rated good looking women on a scale of 10, I remember it was in college and also that it got me into some serious trouble. But in this case, well you asked for it, so... 

Rheea Mukherjee: When Rheea once said, ‘create the character so much that I can smell him’, it got etched into my mind not only because I did not wear deo that day and also because it’s probably the best directive on how to build a character (another sooper takeaway here). Rheea is, I think, the dreamer who dreams, creates and visualises characters and somehow that ability just rubs off to anyone she’s in contact with, which on many Saturdays at BWW, was me. 

Bhumika Anand: Aah, in my opinion, a point of view that is so pointed that I’m pretty sure has offended many a people in its wake. Many will complain that Bhumika is far too blunt and need to tone down on the way she shares her feedback - I think NOT! It’s that edge that makes sure the feedback sticks – of late, every time I write a piece, I find myself thinking of how Bhumika would rip me apart if she had read a shoddy piece of my work and I find myself taking extra care to perfect it. And yes, (one hand on my chest and the other raised in solemn prayer), “I will not say ‘revert’ or ‘prepone’ ever again!” 

Would you recommend the workshop to others? How would you rate the BWW, on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the highest? 

Well, like I said, I had expected ‘blogging’ when I joined; but only later realised it was not. So I think people should know what to expect from the workshop before joining it. The Short Story workshop did not find too many takers, I think, probably because nobody knew what to expect from it. If it is the same as the first workshop, why pay more for a repeat, or so I thought. 

Also, this workshop focussed only on the craft of a particular type of writing (ie, writing books) and within that particular segment, I’d rate you a 9. But if you could try owning up a larger share of a writer’s life cycle, it could hold you in good stead. Also if you could give us a dekko of an Indian writer’s travails in marketing, publishing, promotions would have been extremely beneficial. Other aspects of being a writer like how to throw a tantrum or how to be an egoistic pig could also be taught. 

Any other feedback/suggestions for improvement/criticism… 

Within the domain you operate in, I guess you’re top notch; however, since nobody listens to my advice anyways and since I finally found a willing recipient to dish it out to, well here goes: 

CRAFT: 

· The workshop focussed only on the craft of a particular type of writing. Most of us are first time writers who have an alternate main profession and have no clue about the literary world. I would have wished that BWW could have started by giving a perspective of the life cycle of an Indian writer, involving the different types of writing available today, the basics of the publishing industry, the struggle, marketing, and after this preliminary, then you could go ahead and lock in on to the craft, the teaching of which you obviously are very good at. 

· I particularly liked the way you started off with theory on ‘story arc’ and the like, however, you discontinued it almost immediately. If every class would have some new theoretical concept and then the critique (which clearly is the USP), I’m sure the takeaways could be more wholesome. 

· Maybe you could choose to give us a glimpse of your other workshops in your existing ones itself so that people could be made aware of BWW’s other offerings. If there was a dekko of the Short Story workshop, maybe more people could make a better decision rather than speculate what its curriculum could be and decide upon that speculation. 

· Understanding what competing writer workshops in Bangalore offer could help in sharpening our offerings. Right now, the USP is the discussion and critique model – even though the thoughts are unique, it’s a relatively easy model to replicate. 

· There is a good focus on quality right now, with each of the selected writers displaying an agreeable degree of quality. Think this focus on quality should be maintained. 

PROMOTION: 

· Currently, facebook seems to be promotional channel of choice. Other cashless channels like blogging networks (Indiblogger, BlogAdda), twitter, youtube videos could be harnessed. Also, cashed channels like newspaper adverts, sponsorships and seminars could be explored. Distributing branded goods like mugs, key chains and t-shirts to writers, authors and guests could help in improving BWW visibility. 

· Guests should be encouraged to participate in book readings and critiques. If each writer brings in a friend, it’s the most cost efficient way to advertise the BWW experience to a potential writer and a new potential member to the BWW literary network. 

· Literary bodies like MyLifeChronice and Atta Gallata need people for their many events, with a strong obvious preference to writers and readers. If (at least three) BWW writers show up consistently at their events wearing BWW branded t shirts (to be obviously done tastefully), it could enhance brand visibility for BWW to a very relevant set of people. Also, these literary bodies may choose to promote BWW in response to our support. 

· The huge IT companies space in Bangalore has many budding writers who would definitely find BWW as rewarding as we did. The potential market out there is huge. Focusing on means to connect with this group could prove tremendously rewarding. I know of companies where the HR is actively looking for newer ideas for employee engagement. If we could develop a short module that could be deployed at the many IT companies of Bangalore, this initiative could assure a steady stream of writers, ideas and brand visibility. 

COMMUNITY BUILDING: 

· OK, let’s get this right – my thinking as to how BWW scores over a lot of other similar workshops is that at the core, BWW is all heart and soul – you guys really put in your heart and soul into it and it shows in the quality of your workshop. Other workshops pitch their “fringe benefits” like knowing and bringing established writers to talk with the participants, or having uber cool wine-and-dine sessions, and even may have better packaged and structured workshops; but at the core of it all, the foundation of these other workshops, in my opinion, is not as strong as that of BWW. The unfortunate part is that these fringe benefits work in the short term. I think BWW should work parallelly on building these fringe benefits, and that’s where a BWW network can help it score. Of course, building this network will take time but build you must. At the same time, don’t lose that soul. 

· Emphasis on building a community of BWW writers / well wishers / authors / literary agents / members from the publishing industry, can thus help BWW create a self sufficient network into which existing and future writers can tap for sharing ideas, soliciting help and for other writing needs. This group can bring BWW network the benefit of their own networks. Hopefully, BWW can evolve into a one stop shop for writers spanning a network that can help any writer. Right now, I feel the community building part of BWW has room for improvement. 

In conclusion, despite some work needed in non-core areas, I’d rate BWW very, very highly in their ability to unearth the writer buried deep inside us and in bringing out quality work from us. The aspect of character building has not only empowered and improved my writing but also changed my perspective to it. For these reasons, I’m as much a fan of BWW as I am of the many Rajni movies that I watch.

Love, the leveler

Last month in the confines of a dentist's waiting room, me and two strangers failed at small talk and then went on and tried to make sense of each others’ lives, and could not.  But in came the topic of love and we strangely found ourselves on familiar ground.  We talked for long minutes and when we left, strangers we still be, but with a little less of the strangeness - we found that we all had loved, knew of its lore and lived through its leaps and lows. 

Love has an uncanny ability to do that – it pushes people up, many a times pulls them down and sometimes sweeps them off their feet; but love, for the most of times, bring us all to size – it grounds us.  And quite arguably, love is the world’s greatest leveler.  Almost every soul wounded by Cupid’s shot stand united in their inability to describe that crazy feeling called love and once loved, one will realize that none are the better in the ways of this fine foolish feeling. 

Different people from different worlds have different views on life. But the topic of love is often common ground and they strangers no longer are.  A hot shot banker will find little to relate to with a great teacher; or a young techie will have little to discuss with a veteran doctor; and a rookie student may not be able to connect with a famous foodie; but bring in the topic of love and they will all have something, and a little bit more, to stoke the cauldron of conversation, camaraderie and connection.  Almost everyone gets instantly unified with their experimentations, explorations and experiences with love. 

But how a person responds to the feeling is her love story, and that is unique.  While some get empowered, some fall down.  Some get scarred while some are in smiles.  Some lose it, some win it and some just do nothing.  Some show it, some hide it, some express it and some simply don’t.  Some spend years without it, some spend years for it, some fight for it and some just fall into it.  And that makes their love story.  But while love stories are unique, love is not.  This heady feeling of the heart makes no distinction and treats everyone equally with its misfortunes.  It happens to everyone.  In spite of aptitude, attitude or anomaly.  In spite of creed, community or country.  In spite of vanity, worth or vintage. 

And once loved, we no longer be virgins to its virtues, wickedness and vices – the stolen glances, the feverish touches, the longing, the yearning, the warmth, the comfort, the sweet nothings, the silly pillow talk, the smell of the hug, the fear of loss and the joy of giving, the fights, the making up and making out, the broken pride, the lovely losing, the companionship, the exhilaration … we all know what they are. 

Love, the leveler, truly unites us all.

Politics Office Ki

Somebody once said that politics is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Considering how rich politicians are today, I’m sure a lot of us would love to try our hand at being scoundrels, at least for the money.  

But the good people that we all are, most of us may not have the 'required' skills. 

But we all sharpen our axes constantly as we are all subject to politics at another popular place.  And this post talks about Rajneethi Office Ki – or as Dhanush would say in ‘only Engliss’ – “Office Politics”. 

The power plays, the ass-kissing colleague, the manipulation, the sleeping babe () who gets promoted, the favoritism, the good for nothing guy who is the boss’ golf buddy, the nepotism, the low ranking secretary who actually runs the office, the "games" - it’s all very, very real … 

Office politics existed even before Dilbert made a living out of it and a few friends of mine helped me make the following office lingo where one thing is told but the real meaning is something else - 

What management says	What it really means
“I’ll get back to you on that”	I’ll need more time to come up with a better excuse.
“He was the only candidate who cracked the case study with such wonderful insights and he exhibits a thorough understanding of the basic challenges underlined in the case study and hence hired”	he’s my nephew
“The head of sales may not have the requisite expertise to handle this issue … ”	I hate that prick
“He in a meeting right now”	he’s gone home for his afternoon nap.
“She has a great eye for detail and is a hard worker”	I’m sleeping with her
“We may need to relook at your goals”	You’re screwed.
“I’ll need a relook at the data to confirm that ”	I have no clue what the fuck just happened!!
“Our appraisal process is designed to reward outperformers and motivate the ordinary to do the extraordinary”	you’re not getting a raise this year.
“According to certain reliable sources…”	According to the latest gossip…
“That distinguished gentlemen named…”	Woh haram khor, saala maatherchooo….

OK, I must tell you that this post was inspired by this very cool movie I just saw called ‘Margin Call’ – supposedly a ‘thriller in the financial meltdown’ (with thankfully very little finance and very little meltdown ).  But what the movie really is at heart is about how different levels of office hierarchy react to a particularly serious situation – and their behavior is something that we all can relate to.

The story starts inside a nameless company that is throwing out 80% of its work force. A low ranking analyst discovers a problem that if not acted upon, could wipe out the entire company overnight -  how the different levels of the office hierarchy react to this sinister situation is what the movie is all about.   

But what makes the movie so juicy are the many implications about office politics that we all know but don’t say.   Few of which I could pick up are: 

· The juniors work harder – I bet you knew this one!  It is usually always the juniors of any company who really work their asses off!   In the movie, the men at the top don’t even know the basic technicalities and demand a simplified explanation of the problem in “plain English” - Tuld, the top guy, tells the analyst that “it wasn’t brains that got him to the top” and to explain the issue to him “like he was talking to a golden retriever”.  And the irony is that it’s the juniors who are kicked out first in the event of a downturn (again reaffirmed in the movie!). 

· You will get rewarded if you’re really good – There’s a difference between “being good” and “being really good”. The analyst eventually gets promoted for proactively identifying the problem while his friend, who’s ‘just good’, gets axed.  Their boss too, was initially kicked out and then was bought back exclusively for his unique ability to solve the problem and got rewarded handsomely for it.  Think of it – it’s almost the same that happens in our offices too – that crazy dude in our office who seems to be able to get all the work done by diligently slogging it out much more than us or for having some real hard brains always seems to get the raise. 

· Ooooo...the Games they play – OK, you already know this one – the higher up the corporate ladder, the less it is bout skills and more it is bout politics.  The analyst's  very capable, diligent and hard working boss was still asked to leave.  But the smooth talking Will, doesn't seem to work a lot but has a way with everyone, confides how he survives 34 years in the company – by minding his own business and not taking sides to any argument.  Moral of the story – even if you don’t play politics, it still plays you.  So FYI, CYA (for the uninitiated, 'Cover Your Ass') 

· Some skills saves lives– It’s still all about team work with each player expected to play their role seamlessly.  In the movie, the team leader has the enviable skill of being able to successfully motivate his team to sell worthless assets at the highest possible price to unsuspecting buyers, with the team fully aware that they are ruining their careers in the process but the team leader still gets them to do it voluntarily!  The strategy guy crafts a strategy within an hour at 4AM in the morning!   These are intangible skills that are not taught in colleges – and unsurprisingly, these two stay even after the downsizing.   On the other hand, many people who were merely “good at their jobs” were shown the door. 

· Money! Money! Money! - At the top, it’s not bout anything else- it’s all about money; no sugar coating, no morality, no loose ends.  The firm in the film has a single minded focus to avoid losing money and does not hesitate to put others (it's own customers included) out of business so that it may survive – they decide to sell worthless assets to their unwitting trusting customers knowing fully well that it would kill the customers and the market for years – but it’s just business, nothing personal.  And after the analysts does a great performance of selling it all, they’re mercilessly axed immediately so that the firm still floats. 

Some more interesting career pointers picked up from the movie – Talk to the top in simple words ,  look like a million bucks,  your professional pedigree is your resume (the analyst being a rocket engineer earlier only adds to his credibility).  Go see the movie; it’s really very cool! 

And as for office politics, well the biggest weapon against it is knowing that it exists.  And the more you play and get played, the better you get at it.  Veterans say that Office Politics is all about power and competition and someone has to lose for another to win and how you play ur cards could shift the equation to ur favor.

A good exercise to do is to re-map your office landscape not based on designations but by pockets of power - this is a very revealing exercise as it'll expose the real power brokers and the sources of politics in your office.  I did this for my earlier gov organization and I was super shocked to find the most powerful player was a janitor who wielded so much influence on the super boss. A few right questions later revealed that the janitor knew of certain damaging titbits of the superboss' personal life and thus had a very strong say in the company's promotions, pays etc.

The second thing to do is to understand the informal network in the office to find the groups and cliques formed on the basis of friendships, manipulations, respect etc.

Thirdly, start building alliances across groups; a simple staffing decision can tilt the balance of power from one group to another, so it helps to have allies across groups. An assertive personality can reduce being played upon.

But play you simply must.  If you think you can survive office politics, well, think again….. Readers can share their office politics stories in comments below and we can really have a juicy time discussing that, what say? 

For more ground breaking career talk, click here.