The Big Fat 2012 Movie Guide!!!

And so…

A Brand New Year Beckons.

Again.

So if you’re still basking in the glory of the realization that New Year Resolutions don’t really last too much (welcome to the club! J), here’s another list for you; Ladies n Gentlemaans, voila the list of the big, fat, juicy, gorgeous awesome movies to watch out for in 2012!!!

I’ll start with the Hollywoodzz as I got some movies here that I’m really waiting for:

The Avengers (May 4) – Ok, this is one of those movies that I’d put under the category of “Ohh My Dear Good Lord, Its actually happening!!!” Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Hulk, Nick Fury, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Loki all in the same frame.. wow, what more to ask for, eh? J The famous Iron Man narcissism meets the pompous Thor and the no nonsensical Captain and we still don’t know how the new Hulk will be when someone gets him angry. But hell, check out the mean trailer below. J

Why u should watch it: Because you will. The question here is 'how many times?'.

The Dark Knight Rises (20th July) – Obviously one of the, if not, THE most anticipated movie of the year. Lots of things going for this movie, some being the ‘epic conclusion to the Batman trilogy’, Bane (the guy who actually broke Batman’s back) and yup, the big man himself, Christopher Nolan. When the first trailer came out, it was kinda disappointing cos most of the content was from the previous two movies and then just last month, they released the new dark fitting trailer which is so damn bloody well good. The hero arises.

Why u should watch it: OK, r u kidding me?!! Seriously, r u kidding me?!!

Men In Black 3 (May 25) – Will Smith is known as the guy with the Midas touch – he simply can’t do no wrong – any damn movie he is in is supposed to turn box office gold. So Will’s next venture is the third installment in the Men In Black series as 'Agent J' again – in 3D btw. Agent J goes back in time to save Agent K – Tommy Lee Jones reprises his role as the latter and Josh Brolin plays the younger K. It’s almost very likely that the movie’s gonna be a hit and Brolin’s impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones also seems pretty damn bloody good.

Why u should watch it: Well, it's 'assured-box-office-man' Will Smith's movie after his not-too-great-but-still-a-box-office-hit 'Seven Pounds'. Also the MIB franchisee has always been quite a fun riot all the while. And Will Smith is always a pleasure to watch when he's funny.J

The Expendables 2 (Aug 17) – OK, let’s face it – not many people liked the first movie. I, for one, ‘love-u love-u’ –ed it. Seeing ‘Stallone-Arnold-Willis’ in the same room (the church scene) was a ‘Big O’ moment for me for having seen three of my childhood action stars in the same one movie. So what does EX2 have? Well, there’s reportedly more of Arnold, more of Willis and they put in a Van Damme and a Chuck Norris too for added punch. Aaah, pure mindless testosterone action fun!!

Why u should watch it: Well, for the same reason you saw the first - pure mindless dumb ass action fun with the all the oldies, that you loved when you were a kid, thrown into one movie.

G I Joe Retaliation (June 29) – Speaking of big, jack ass dumb, action movie – the first G.I Joe was a big hit but sucked big too. So in the second one, they added in The Rock-Can-Do-No-Wrong, Dwayne Johnson and the Resident Aging Action Hero Bruce Willis into it and now you get the second part of the same mindless action flick – and I must say, the trailer with the cool sound track, the shot of the white house being taken over by Cobra - looks really, REALLY good. His cholesterol is a li’l high, he says… J

Why u should watch it: Well, for one thing - the trailer simbly roXX!!! J

The Amazing Spider Man (July 6) - Ok, didn’t they just… ? Yes!… but wasn't Toby Maguire the.. ? Yes!…. Do we again want to… ? Apparently, they think yes. Yup, Spider Man comes back again in another reboot and truth be told, it does look pretty darn interesting. Only thing is that it looks way, way too darn familiar too considering the first Spiderman is still so fresh in our memories. But then again, what the hell, right?

Why u should watch it: I have no clue why but what the hell, its Spiderman.....J

Ice Age 4: Continental Drift (July 13) – Ya baby ya! Manny, Sid, Diego and Scratt the Squirrel r back with the fourth installment of the billion dollar franchise… who even bloody cares what’s the story!! (Does it even have one? J)

Why u should watch it: Cos ur teenage cousins will force u to watch it anyways, so might as well enjoy it...

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (June 8) – "I like to move it, move it… I like to move it, move it… I like to …………… MOVE IT!!!!" The gang is back and this time, they’re hitting Europe. This is one of my favorite animations after Shrek and Ice Age. Check the zany trailer here.

Why u should watch it: Cos we simbly loved the earlier ones. Period.

Brave (June 22) – Another one of Steve Job’s creative genius –Pixar - never seems to get it wrong. All their movies have been humungous blockbusters and even their least rated movie (Cars2) made half a billion dollars at the box. So their latest offering ‘Brave’ is often billed as the biggest animation movie to watch out for in 2012. Personally, I didn’t like the trailer too much but what do I know – I’m the guy who liked movies like ‘Dabangg’, ‘Om Shanthi Om’ and ‘There’s Something bout Mary’…. J

Why u should watch it: Like my bro tell me, "Cos its from Pixar, stupid." J

The Hobbit – Peter Jackson is a rockstar!! He's an extremely gifted director with immense confidence in himself - he made a movie, split it into three and released one part every December over the course of three years and eventually, each movie turned bigger than the last, with the last one becoming a monster hit. Yes, that was called the 'The Lord Of the Rings' trilogy - one of the most expensive and most ambitious pieces of film making ever; not to mention, phenomenally profitable too (made profit of $2.6Billion on a budget of $281million). Jackson went on to produce 'District 9' and the recent 'Tin Tin' and now is back as director with the two-part 'Hobbit', the first of which is coming out this December.

Why u should watch it: For quite possibly, it could become the next LOTR. J

John Carter (Mar 9) – OK, so the story goes that Pixar (yes, Steve Job’s Pixar J) had two extremely gifted directors in Brad Bird and Andrew Stanton. They’ve come up some pretty huge blockbusters at Pixar and now have ventured out to make non – animation movies on their own. And the first to hit the screen was Bird’s ‘MI:4’ with Tom Cruise, which is currently playing to packed houses and said to be the best movie of the MI series. So, a lot of eyes are eagerly waiting for Stanton’s first non-animation movie - ‘John Carter’. And it looks real big. Trailer looks pretty cool too. J

Why u should watch it: Well, chances r that everyone'll be soon talking bout it n u wouldn't wanna be left out, would you....? J

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Feb 17) – OK, Cage pisses fire in this one. J But after the first one which had a very interesting premise but turned out into a really sloppy movie – not sure how this one will do – but well, the trailer really roXX.

Why u should watch it: Cos u secretly like the premise of bad-ass-guy-in-leather-jacket-on-a-harley-with-hot-girlfriend-and-he-freakingly-what else-but-saves-the-world.

American Reunion (April 6) – The greatest contribution of 'American Pie' to history– an alternate use of the humble Pie and the word ‘MILF’ J. I literally grew up on the ‘American Pie’ series – I loved all of ‘em for just being absolute mindless fun – I even liked some of the American Pie presents (like the Naked Mile). So the next in the series is ‘American Reunion’ where the original stars reunite for a reunion. Looks like fun. Sounds like fun. Shud be fun. J

Why u should watch it: For Jim's dad and Stifler's mom. J

The Dictator (May 11) – Ooooh, I simbly love the trailer – and yes, that really is Megan Foxx J For those who’ve seen 'Borat', they will agree that Sasha Baron Cohen is truly a rockstar. Waiting for this one. J

Why u should watch it: Cos the trailer is simbly freakin' awesumb !!! J

Movie 43 (April 13) – OK, this one’s is fairly interesting – this movie is a collection of short films directed by different directors, something like apna ‘Dus Kahaniyan’. The star cast is pretty awesome with Hugh Jackman, Gerard Butler, Richard Gere, Halle Berry, Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Uma Thurman…….

Why u should watch it: Would you?? J

Now besides these, there’s Johny Depp’s ‘Dark Shadows’, 'Hunger Games’, ‘Jack the Giant Killer’(the big screen adaptation of ‘Jack and the Bean Stalk’ by the guy who gave us ‘X Men’ and ‘Usual Suspects’), the next Bond tentatively called 'Skyfall', ‘Snow White & the Huntsman’ (with the ‘Thor’ guy) that should make this year pretty interesting. Oh ya, there's also the next 'Twilight' and maybe the fifth installment of the 'Resident Evil'.

And on the Bollywood side of life, well, yup, here r ones worth salivating for:

The Big, Fat, Huge SRK- Yash Chopra movie (Diwali) – With both ‘Ra.One’ and now ‘Don2’ killing most of our senses, SRK has proved that he has the enviable ability to make people flock to his movies, however bad they may be. The biggest movie this year is Yash Chopra’s romantic movie with SRK after a gap of some 8 years (after that last thing they called ‘Veer Zaara’). The new movie has Katrina and Anushka as SRK’s angels and the music is by the Oscar man A R Rahman and lyrics penned by another Oscar winner, Gulzar. Need I say more? J

Why u should watch it: Cos you believe in the timeless, selfless, everlasting Yash Chopra's version of love. And also in those massive promotions that'll accompany this movie. J

The Bodyguard's next - There is only one King amongst the Khans and that Khan goes by the name Salman. After a spectacular year in 2011, the man Salman has two widely anticipated biggies this year – Ek Tha Tiger (Aug 10), another Yash Chopra produced movie with ex-flame Katrina, and the other one being the second part movie that sealed his super stardom two years back – as Chulbul Pandey again in the second part of Dabangg (December).

Why u should watch it: Well you might not watch the first but you'll be wondering who the hell else saw this movie that'd eventually make this one a blockbuster. For the second, well, let me make the list - Chulbul Pandey, Chedi Singh, fart jokes, item number....

Aamir's search(for excellence) - The special Khan’s movies are always special. After creating history with ‘3 Idiots’ (apparently its now doing big bujinej in China too), he rewrote its course with ‘Delhi Belly’ and followed it with a part in his wifey’s experimental ‘Dhobi Ghaat’. Now Aamir’s next full fledged movie is ‘Talaash’(June 1) with Kareena and Rani. As always, this Khan’s work is always special.

Why u should watch it: No brainer here - for Aamir Khan, silly.

Agneepath (Jan 26) - The first ‘big one’ of the new year is Karan Johar’s ‘Agneepath’, the remake of the iconic film that got the Big B the big award and reprising the role of Vijay Dheenanath Chouhan is apna Hritik Roshan. Incidentally its Hrithik’s only movie for the year (maybe Krish 2 also) and he’s putting all he has into the role; however, in the trailers, he looks like a match stick against Sanjay Dutt’s awesomely mean hulk of a villain, Kaancha. And adding gravy to the fire is pyaari Shiela, who seems to be able to finally act and her expressions are really spot on with Chikni Chameli.

Why u should watch it: For new age version of the freakin awesum 'Naam Vijay Dheenanath Chauhan' dialogue n for the monster that is Sanjay Dutt's 'Kaancha'.

Once again in Mumbai - One of the coolest movies that recently took our breath away was ‘Once Upon a Time in Mumbai’ and 2012 will see the second part of this movie, however with a completely new cast. Akshay Kumar will play Dawood Ibrahim in this one with Sonakshi Sinha.

Why u should watch it: For a repeat of the awesome dialogues, the music n a very cool story with some great performances that we saw in the first.

The Rowdy ka Roar - Another Akshay movie that’s making waves is 'Rowdy Rathore' (June 15). What’s adding to its cause is that it is being directed by the dance machine, Prabhu Deva, who has an enviable record as a director. Also, Akshay’s finally returning to action after his many not too successful roles otherwise. And yes, his mooch. J

Why u should watch it: Well, the movie is directed by Prabhu 'paisa vasool' Deva, whose movies seem to defy logic, gravity and intellect. And oh, by the the way, they usually end up as blockbusters too.

Of course, the news also say that we can expect 'Dhoom3' with Aamir as the baddie (delicious!) and maybe even 'Krish 2' with Vivek Oberoi as the villian (yuck!) this year. Other worthies also include AB Baby's 'Players' out this week, Imran Khan's 'Ek Mein Aur Ekk Tu' later this month, 'Saif-Kareena's 'Agent Vinod', Akshay's 'Joker', Madhur Bhandharkhar's dream project 'Heroine', Ajay Devgun's 'Tezz', a bunch of sequels (Housefull2, Kyaa Super Kool Hai Hum, Jannat 2, Race 2, Raaz3) and Vidya baby's next (award?J) in 'Kahaani'.

So that pretty much rounds up a fabulous year that’s stored for you. Also, expect a lot of Hollywood in Bollywood this year and hopefully, vice versa. You can also check out the biggest grossers of 2011 (only engliss ..) at my blog ka fb page here. (And do hit 'Like' when you're there J)

Personally, I think the Mayan prophesy was simply about the movie '2012' and not the year. (Seriously, everyone wanted that movie to end !!! J). But if it does turn true, I rather go down with my popcorn, coke and my 3D glasses on.

So as you can see, 2012 does look like a Happy New Year!!

And here's wishing you the same.

J

Livin' la Vida Loca!!! :)

You know, it’s kinda crazy…

But two years ago, I actually decided to change my life (yes, seriously!).

The Libran that I am, I was never really known for making decisions. And even if I made ‘em, I never managed to keep them. Case in point – ‘Losing weight’ has been the longest running unresolved decision of my life - I’ve decided to lose weight for 6 years in a row now (7 if you count 2012 also J).

But two years back, I realized I had turned into everything that my neighbors, and hence my parents, wanted me to become J. I had a stable education, a stable job, a stable set of friends, a stable life and to top it all, I eventually turned into one of those boring profiles on shaadi.com, that seemed to celebrate my mediocrity by describing me as “simple, good natured and well behaved”.

I was never any of that.

For starters, I have an unstable mind (ok, now don’t get any ideas!) but I was supposed to be ‘the creative one’ – my mind was proudly and constantly up to no good - I used to be the resident prankster in school, I used to be the guy whose mind was always ticking, I used to be the guy with the ideas. I was never, ever ‘simple’ – life was happily complicated and truly ‘alive’. But just like that, two years back, I wasn’t any more of any of that and turned into a human embodiment of a matrimonial profile.

I seriously, seriously needed to change my life.

And I did.

The first thing I did was to have a relook at my career. I was aware of companies outside that could give me more; but a hard look convinced me that I really loved my job and loved doing what I am doing here (is my boss reading this? J) - I knew how my company worked and I knew who made it work. And quitting would mean restarting it all on a fresh new note. Also I was finally happy here - so I decided to stick on.

But the other thing I realized was that my job had become my life and vice versa – you remember that letter Narayana Murthy wrote to his staff about bachelor boys who stay back late in office and mess the entire work atmosphere for everyone– ya, that was me! (ah thank u J) I never really had any life worth talking about after office hours (besides Jenna Jameson) and I just stayed back late at office to hang around with other people like me. I seriously needed to get a life but I didn’t know how.

Now the funny thing I’ve discovered about life is that you usually have all the answers to your questions around you – you just need to step back, look around and find them out for yourself. And that’s exactly what I did – I looked deep into myself and dwelt into my past to get my answers. And I rediscovered a whole lotta stuff that was once part of me but got lost and got buried under the projects, reports and client calls.

I slowly remembered my forgotten fascination for the stage. I used to, once upon a time, love the thrill of standing on stage, under the spotlight and rehearse countless lines of verses; but it was all forgotten.

I decided to revive that.

I joined a theatre group called Yours Truly, that worked weekends. Suddenly, I was surrounded by people that had an inexplicable sparkle in their eyes due to their madness for the art. I breathed life into imaginary characters, rehearsed every weekend to bask in the rediscovered glory of being back on stage and felt like I had finally woken up from a deep and long slumber. Then one fine day, I just didn’t feel like going to theater and I never did since. I failed as an actor of the stage. I looked again into my heart for my next stab at life.

the theater-waalas

As I delved deeper into myself again, I remembered another forgotten part of my life – of being a fanatic follower of debates and elocutions, once upon a time. I found myself afraid to stand in front an audience again but decided to push myself to get those butterflies in my stomach to fly in formation - I got into public speaking and shocked myself with how much I missed it. I spoke, out spoke and spoke out and I loved every minute of it. Then one day, for no particular reason, I simply stopped going to speak. I did not succeed here either.

the great orator (seriously :))

And this year, I found my latest vice –writing. I started a blog this February and I wrote, wrote and wrote whenever I found the time. And I’m still writing and made many, many new friends. I’m not sure if I’ll grow out of this too one day but I know that if I do, I would have figured something new to do with my life.

the blogger awakens..

2011 has just been a year of rediscovery, of reevaluation and of refocus. It’s like this year I finally have a clean slate in hand, erased of all the mess that got scribbled on it over the past many years. Now, I can decide what to write on my slate and propel my life accordingly.

And it all seems to be working – on my work side, I got promoted this year. On the financial side, I finally hit a number that I’ve been eyeing for a while. On the personal front, my blog got featured in a newspaper. And health wise, I’m in better shape than last year.

2011, in retrospect, will go down as the year I figured all this out and hopefully, just hopefully, I hope to get all this right in the years to come. 2011 is the year I started making decisions and keeping them.

And if it goes well as it should, I will tell you this…

2011 is how it all started.

J

Here's wishing you and yours the very best wishes for a fabulous, prosperous and fantastic New Year in 2012. Let's live this year like there's no tomorrow and make those pesky pessimistic Mayans jealous!!

Happy New Year everyone!!!

J

Do the DO !!!!

All our lives, we’ve been trained to ask why.

The development of science is attributed to the question ‘why’. Problem solvers say if you ask ‘why’ five times to the problem, you’ll get to the root of the issue. The ‘why’ always gives the prim, propah, logical and sane answer that gives us that comforting and reassuring feeling about that uncertainty called life.

OK, that was the serious part of this post….

J

And so…..

So the crazy things we do in life don’t really subscribe to the ‘why’. We do it just for the heck of it. And have a whole lotta of fun all the way.

So why do I usually wear two different colored slippers at home? So why did my friend Anup drive all the way from Bangalore to Salem in the middle of the night to get a cuppa road side coffee and drive back right after and that too, on a freakin weeknight? Why did my friend Shuds go and propose to a woman on the road he’s never seen before in his life before? Why did she reply Yes to him? Why did my cousin cancel his holiday tickets to Goa at the last minute cos he was busy watching some mallu movie called ‘Twenty Twenty’ on Asianet? Why did my bud Ramez walk up to a random gal and ask her something that she impulsively slapped him backhard ? And why are we surprised that he never got slapped before that?

Sometimes, it’s about the thrill of just doing it, irrespective of rhyme, rationale or reason.

Eccentric? Naah…. Stupid? Maybe… Fun? Hell Ya!!!

So in that light, here’s sharing famous last words said by some famous peoples just before they died, that I found at random sites through the googlez:

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. (this gonna be my epitaph J)

~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .(luv this one...)

Killed in battle during US Civil War.

~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.

~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

God bless... God damn.

~~ James Thurber, humorist, d. 1961

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor. (wow, this is so me... J)

~~ François Rabelais, writer, d. 1553

Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal? (hahaha... J)

~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715

Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.

When asked if he thought dying was tough.

~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959

I'm bored with it all. (fitting last words frm a legend J)

Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.

~~ Winston Churchill, statesman, d. January 24, 1965

Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.

Executed in electric chair in New York.

~~ George Appel, d. 1928

Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.

Executed by firing squad.

~~ Erskine Childers, Irish patriot, d. November 24, 192

I'm going home, babe.

Executed by injection, Delaware.

~~ James Allen Red Dog, d. March 3, 1993

How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.

Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma.

~~ James French, d. 1966

I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.

Executed by injection, Texas.

~~ Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., d. February 11, 1992

I'd rather be fishing.

Executed in electric chair, Louisiana.

~~ Jimmy Glass, d. June 12, 1987

I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.

Executed by injection, Oklahoma.

~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995

Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around. (\o/)

Executed by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.

~~ Carl Panzram, d. September 5, 1930

To my friends: My work is done. Why wait?

Suicide note.

~~ George Eastman, inventor, d. March 14, 1932

Don't worry, it's not loaded. (J)

Suicide playing Russian roulette.

~~ Terry Kath, rock musician, d. January 23, 1978

And if you’re thinking to yourself asking ‘Why’ or ‘WTF’ about this post, well, exactly my point. J

So in the great words of Einstein that he never said,

“Fuck the ‘why’ and do the do!”

Here’s wishing everyone a crazy December n advance wishes for a fabulous New Year!!!

J

And do hit 'Like' at moi blog ka fb page. Both of us wud luv u back fr it. J

The Heart Farmer

So haven’t you heard it yet?

“Why this kolavari, kolavari, kolavari di?...

Yo boyyzz, I yam singg songgg… “ J

OK, I have no clue what that means but hell, its way, way too cool to ignore – the above are the opening lines of the hottest south Indian song that’s hit the net and it features the daughters of the both the super men, Rajnikanth and Kamal Haasan, in the same room and the guy who’s singing the song is Rajnikanth’s son in law (check out sooparr video here J). And the video’s just hit about a million views in 4 days flat, and that’s quite a feat for an Indian song, don’t ya think? And it’s way too cool n way too yummy, so check out the lyrics just to see how mad it really is.. and man, it sooo rocks!!! J

Actually I was talking with a marketing friend of mine and asked him why he thinks this video has done soo astoundingly well in such a less time. And he said that it’s cos of its simple lyrics and more importantly, its’ about something all of us can relate to irrespective of language – it’s cos it’s all about heart. J

Yup it goes….

“Why this kolavari, kolavari, kolavari di?...

Yo boyyzz, I yam singg songgg… “ J

Let me elaborate his funda by asking you this question - which one among the following would you pick - Apples, Oranges, Cherry or Heart? (Yes, come back from the song to the post! J)

So let me ask u again – of the following four, what would you choose -– Apples, Oranges, Cherry or Heart?

I bet u’d pick heart! J

In the history of the mankindzz, Love has proved to be the heart’s best dish. And think about it, we humans love the heart’s various forms of love – whether its love for our sweetheart, for our parents, love for our siblings, love for friends, love for thy neighbor, for our pets or even love for Katrina Kaif, the best food for our soul is one that is all heart.

Some great dude once said that nobody is an island; and it’s so true. We simbly cannot live alone – our hearts are built to connect. To another heart. All the time. All the while. And we’ve always been meeting new hearts after old. And in the book of our lives, our chapters make meaning not by the money we rake but by the hearts we stake - the pages of our lives are punctuated by the hearts that we make, the ones we break, the ones we forget, the ones we remember, the ones that we hold and the ones that we lose. The hearts we touch are the currency of our lives.

So if you think this post is on love, it’s not.

The point of this whole post is that I’ve come to know of this guy. He’s a distant relative of mine and I’ve never actually met up with him personally. But at every marriage or function that we attend, his stories keep popping up. He’s a fairly ordinary chap with a fairly ordinary will and a fairly ordinary life. But he has one extraordinary quirk- one that has made him nothing short of legend within our circles. For the lack of a better word, let me just call him this– I’ll call him ‘the heart farmer’. And his one true quirk that makes him extraordinary is this - he helps out relatives.

Let me explain.

Question - have you heard of stories of own relatives who sometimes fall out of luck in life? I mean, I’m pretty sure all of us have often heard stories of distant relatives who’ve ‘had it all but now lost it all’, who are ‘in pretty bad shape now’, who ‘played the stock market and lost’, who ‘darbar-ed recklessly’, who ‘lived beyond their means’, who ‘lost their old glory’ and the like. Often we just listen to these news and then forget about it almost instantly. And most often, we would want to keep distant relatives as just that – distant. But have we ever wondered what really happens to them? Have we ever wondered if there is something that we could do to help them out? Obviously, our first reaction is if they’d ask us for money; so we try to put them away at a distance.

But the thing is, yaar - sometimes it’s not money they want – sometimes, it’s just a little show of support or a few reassuring words of advice or a few kind words that they’ll need to straighten things up (yes, serious, serious ban gaya J). And yes, sometimes it is all about money too. But mind you, things can get pretty profitable too…

The heart farmer does just that.

The heart farmer looks into his family tree, looks out for relatives in distress and then helps them out: he meets with them personally, talks with them, understands their issues and tries to sort things out. And once he’s ‘fixed’ one house, he just moves on to the next. And in the process, he wins another set of hearts. And that’s exactly what he does – like a farmer who shepherds his crop, the heart farmer cultivates, nurtures and wins the hearts of his relatives.

Stories of how he straightened out his once wayward brother is now legend. His US educated brother could not find a job in recession hit US and had to come back to India in shame and with a bruised ego. People started ridiculing him that the lakhs that his dad put into his US education was like ‘throwing money into the sea’. And as a result, his bro kept to himself, started avoided everybody, got into drinking, gambled with quick rich schemes and eventually got into drugs. The heart farmer eventually took control of his brothers’ life. He understood that his brother was good with web designing and had an US degree to boot – he just needed his chance and the heart farmer gave him just that – he funded his brother to start up a small web designing company. That was six years back – today the company is in a position of rejecting work as it has too much work in its hands and is generating profits every year…. and guess who the main stake holder in the company is? J

And this is what the heart farmer does. And in the process, his kin and kith is now steadily emerging as a richer and powerful clan in society, all because of this one man. And as for him, he’s also become a wealthier man, definitely wealthier by heart and yes, wealthier by bank. And he still spends his time looking deep into his family tree to find more of his relatives to earnestly help them out.

So what would I do if I had an extra two hours in a day? I want to start my account as the heart farmer of my kin. And to be honest, I’d like to think I’ve already started, in my own little way:

• Since I stay away from my parents now, I’ve eventually got into this unlikely habit of not calling them sometimes for as long as a week (yes, missed calls from worried mom = lotsJ). Once I’ve realized this, the first thing I did is set up a system where I call them once every two days. Similarly, I’ve done the same thing where I simply call and chat up with my sister and brother, who also stay in different parts of the country. It just keeps me a little more connected with them in spite of us being separated by distances. I was feeling a little ashamed saying that I don’t call my near and dear so often but after I’ve talked with a few friends of mine, they echo my same sentiment that in the days of nuclear families and rising aspirations, sometimes these lil important things get forgotten and the number one reason is the lack of time. J

• I realized that I haven’t been calling my favorite aunts for quite a very long while – these aunts are the ones who basically brought me up when I was a kid. And I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t been able to keep in touch with them for a long, long time now. Again, the blame is on the lack of time. But now I’ve set up reminders to call them at least once every two weeks and things are going pretty much according to plan (touchwood J). In fact, my cousin is in the arranged marriage market and since I’m known as the resident metrosexual of the family, he’s asked me to spin doctor his profile. J

• I’ve started connecting more with my old friends. I’ve decided to deepen my friendship beyond the one-off ‘Happy B’day’ message on facebook. In fact, I’ve started scouring supermarkets on the weekends for gifts on discount. I buy them in bulk, gift wrap them personally and give it to my friends when I meet them or call them over for beer. They usually get bowled over with the unexpected show of warmth. In fact, that’s where this song (yes the song again J) came up – last Saturday, a long lost friend of mine came over for a couple of beers and we played this song on loop and heard it some 50 times in the background while we kept gossiping ‘bout the good ‘ol times, the good ol’ friends and the good ol’ college days.

• Since I usually have a few hand wrapped gifts at home, I sometimes randomly give it to kids I see on the street. Usually their parents go crazy when I do that and I just leave them to themselves to figure it out for themselves. But the feeling of being that wierd mysterious gifter kinda gives me a super kick. J

OK, now would you believe I wrote this post for a contest? And it’s actually turned out into something else now. But the initial idea was that it was to be this serious post written for the Surf Excel #Get Smart blogging contest. Surf claims that if you use their product, it would save you two extra hours a day. So the premise is – what would you do if you suddenly found two extra hours in a day? I had got myself into this mode where I had this very, very serious post and then the song happened…. J

Well, my answer is if I had two extra hours a day, I’d use that time to start my innings as the heart farmer of my clan. Hopefully, like the original heart farmer has shown, ek din, mera clan will also grow richer and powerful due to the effort of one man, a.k.a moi J. And if you could expand this concept to more people out here, we’d have a multiplier effect of having many heart farmers in this part of the world. And who knows, one day, if this concept really catches on, we could be looking at an India full of heart farmers, cultivating, nurturing and winning hearts all around the world. J

So here’s me starting my score as a heart farmer… but the important big question is - are u? J

And the song goes, “pa pa pa ppaan- pa pa pa ppan- pa pa pa ppaan- pa pa ppaan- …….

Why this kolavari, kolavari, kolavari di?...

Sariyaa vaasi…?”

J

Pics courtesy-mai baap google.

From behind the curtain....

From behind the curtain,

I peered at the familiar faces who faced unfamiliar ground.

It was a beautiful place with beautiful people. Pretty trees adorned the nicely laid sidewalks and many a person spent many a lazy evening just walking down these very fine roads. It was one of the classiest spots in town and it was known for its place, its people and its pace.

But then, it was all going to change. The trees were going to be pulled down, the roads were going to be dug up, and the shops were going to be closed down.

The beautiful people protested, the shops saw red and the residents retaliated.

But changed it all did still.

From behind the curtain,

I saw it all change.

The crowds trickled down, the shops closed down and the trees fell down. The old pace got lost, the old times got lost and alongside, a few lives got lost.

Dust and gloom filled the once happy places, Dirt and darkness covered the once bright spots, Muck and melancholy swamped the once lively streets.

Even the birds chose to chirp someplace else. Even the sun chose to shine someplace else. Even the green chose to grow someplace else.

Almost everything just stopped.

For the while…

But slowly things started shaping up.

From behind the curtain,

I saw it all shaping up.

Distances promised to melt away, the pillars of progress started coming up and the sun seemed to shine again on the residents.

New shops came up in the place of the closed ones, new flowers started to bloom in the place of fallen trees, and new hope blossomed in the place of the old.

The crowds started coming back, the clouds started clearing apart and the easy-going way of life was coming back.

Suddenly it was becoming beautiful again.

From behind the curtain of my home, I looked at the faces of all those people who were once faced with a stumbling block in their lives. But today, they’re all happy that it may very well turn into the blessing that they all need and that it may very well be that what they were all waiting for.

And today, 20-10-20 11 - namma Bengaluru’s namma metro has finally come.

And I smile from behind the curtain of my house.

Along with the road whose name is CMH.

And it’s beautiful people.

J

CMH road was once the heart of Indiranagar, Bangalore. While Brigade road was known for the style and the young, CMH was known for the class and the sophistication. But it all changed with the metro construction that hijacked the whole lace some four years ago. The people went away as the construction started. When the metro was finally opened last month, the crowds did seem to come back, however never like the glory of the good ‘ol days.

This post was written for my company’s blogging contest, the topic being, to write and create a story starting with the main protagonist looking out from behind the curtain….

This baby got me a prize. J

n yes, like me blog ka page on facebook J

Speed Seduction

I am a babe magnet.

Like a magnet, I can repel any woman alive - anytime, anywhere, anyhow.

For years, my life has been the opposite of the Axe deo ad - women simply used to fall out of the sky and then after seeing me, they all run away like crazy in the opposite direction. And it’s always been the case for a long, long while. When I was a kid, I was a chota magnet and now, well, like you guessed, am a bada magnet - my luck with women never seem to change.

And for me, love has been a lot like Bangalore traffic - often with no warning, my prospective love life suddenly turns into one way (esp after Raksha bandhan), usually my journey gets punctuated by the rude entry of unwanted traffic-cop-like characters like my sweethearts’ better looking boyfriend(s), and since my seduction always starts with me offering to drop her home on my bike, my love story usually ends even before it starts, if she happens to find a good auto driver.

For years, I have been dreaming of becoming the main character in the Axe deo ad – but the Axe Effect has always worked as the Axe Defect for me. I even tried mixing all those other deos (Wild Stone, Set Wet, and other deos whose ads show promising results) and applied the resulting cocktail to my body and the closest it got me to a woman was the hospital nurse who treated me for the resultant skin rashes. And I’m not even going to talk about the many multi colored vibrant undies I bought inspired by that stupid old Frenchie ad.

And then, I met ‘the dude’ who has good teeth, good hair and supposedly good success with women. And he told me that the secret to success with not only women, but with people in general, is well, simply ‘hair’. And since I am mallu, my shocked response to his hair comment was also the same(in mallu).

But he was right. A secret to getting noticed, which is the first step to success with people-in-general, is believe it or not, getting your hair right.

Let me give you an example – go to a crowded place and just look around you. You’ll see a lot of people whom you’d probably forget in seconds but the people you end up noticing are generally the people who take care of themselves and curiously enough, these people have good hair (remember Sanjay Malakar from American Idol). Whether they gel it, streak it, comb it or do whatever with their hair, those that take care of their hair quite well, get noticed. Between two random strangers, the one who strikes you more is often the one who has better hair. In fact, hair is one of the basic fundas that actors work on to get into the skin of a new character – recall Aamir Khan’s hair in his different personas in Dil Chahtha Hai, Mangal Pandey, Ghajini, 3 Idiots etc.

In fact, upon my zealous research (i.e mindless googling) into this area, I found that the humble hair plays a big role in creating powerful first impressions for a person. We all know that the face that is one of the first things we notice about others and research says that hair not only frames the face but also can substantially transform it. Some cool findings from this research below(along with my worldly wise comments J):

For a killer First Impression....

For a killer first impression, you should choose a suitable hair style. Studies also say that the opposite gender gives a really big deal to hair.

For Women

• Any hairstyle increases a woman’s perceived sexiness, but decreases a woman’s perceived intelligence (ok, no comment here J)
• Women wearing short, untidy hair hairstyles (like Priyanka Gandhi) are seen as the most confident and outgoing. (Damn! That’s my hair style too – an I’m a celebrated introvert! Oh wait, I’m not woman )
• Women with long, straight, brunette or blonde hairstyles (Shiela, Munni, Jalebi etc etc) are perceived to as the sexiest and most affluent. While in contrast, women with medium-length, casual looking hair(Kajol) are viewed as more intelligent and good-natured. (Katrina! Katrina! Katrina! Ok, I don’t know why I said this but I should learn to control myself… Katrina! Katrina! Katrina! )

For Men

• Men wearing short, front flip hair (like John Abraham) are perceived as the most confident and sexy. They are also perceived as the most self-centered. (Taking notes -must have short front flip hair. ..must also have muscles...)
• Men with medium length, side parted hair (think Mammootty) are viewed as the most intelligent and affluent – so if you wanna nail that interview, this is the look to have. But also, men with this style are also seen as the most narrow minded. (guess Mammootty cleared a lot of job interviews before becoming an actor )
• Long hair on men suggests that he is probably less well-off than other men, but also suggests he is more open minded than them. (so if you don’t wanna treat anyone for ur bday, just grow long hair; and blame the recession!)

The research goes on to say that to create a good first impression, the choice of hairstyle can project an image of intelligence and self assurance, or even that of insecurity and arrogance. So it suggests hairstyles for different kinds of faces :

• Round faces – If you have a round face, you should opt for hairstyles that create the illusion of length, like height and fullness at the crown and short at sides; this should make your round face look sexy as hell. I have a round face, btw (I also have a round body, btw).
• Heart shaped – If your face is heart, i.e, with wide foreheads and small delicate chins, you should opt for styles that add fullness to the lower part of the face – bob cuts and wavy curls should make you hot, hip n happenin’.
• Triangular faces – the opposite of the heart, the hair styles here should look at creating more fullness at the upper part. Top heavy layers are the thing for you.
• Rectangular faces – Short and medium length hair are what the doctor recommends for you. Boing!
• Oval faces – You lucky cheese! You’re simply born with it – any style looks good on you. Or rather, you make any look look good on you. J

So by now, you can see how the humble hair can make you stand out from the crowd (I am talking about the one on your head btw). And in our busy, busy schedules, it’s no surprise to learn that our hair is the one of the most neglected parts of our body. And who can blame us? In the race to our aspirations and our tipping work-life balance, we often neglect or take such things for granted.

For supa dupa killer Hair....

In the age of the google, hair care tips are a dime too many. So here’s a simplified R-A-J recommendation to taking care of hair which is just a three letter word (for a change, it’s not four ;))- It’s ''SSS''– the secret to great hair is to just focus on Shine, Strength and Style. As simble n humble as that!

Since Style is already covered earlier (depends on your face type), let’s just focus on Shine andStrength with just three points, most of which, fortunately we already know:

• Hair Care - Like our moms and grandmas say - Oil your hair at least once every three days. And after you apply oil, massage your head so that it sticks to your scalp and then let it stay on your head for about an hour before washing it off. You could shampoo it off but nothing beats the thrill of a great night’s sleep after a hot oil bath – so its suggested that you shampoo it off the next day after a great night’s sleep. And remember to use conditioner after shampoo for that extra zing for the hair. And with gel, well, it’s said that you should apply it in such a way that it is applied only on the hair and not on the scalp. The point to be noted, me lord, is that if you are venturing out to put foreign things on your hair, make sure you use reputable brands. Key takeaway here is oil, massage, shampoo, condition and always choose reputed brands.

• The eatings and the drinkings - Ok, I should probably the last person on earth to say this but here goes – go low on junk food, sleep well and get some exercise. So the next time you get yourself those cheese filled pizza, deep fried mangurian and chocolate drippy drips, you should just say ‘No’, hit the treadmill and resend all these goodies to my home address. J And yes, drink lots of liquids – but no, this is not an excuse to get drunk – but get this - beer is supposed to be good for your hair (Yes!! Another reason to go get some beer!! Cheers, mate!) But jokes apart, just to make you a li’l more guilty, tobacco n alcohol are considered villains to your hairy love story. So have at least 10 glasses of water every day (yes, without the whiskey! J). Key takeaway here is exercise, have lotsa water and yes, maintain a balanced diet.

• Hair Repair - This is often the most neglected part of hare care. And actually, things like hair fall, split ends, dryness and dullness are not really the problem – the real problem is hair damage. Hair can get damaged due to variety of reasons like coloring, curling, straightening, dyeing, permanent chemicals, poor diet or even heat from hair dryers. If your hair has split ends or if your hair feels brittle or harsh, it is most likely damaged. To repair damaged hair, you could choose from home made remedies (eggs and oil, hot oil treatments, vitamin E capsules etc) or consider branded products. My personal selection here is the latter, as it’s a lot more hassle-free. Key takeaway here is, if your hair is damaged, switch to reputed brands immediately.

Something I found quite helpful (and extremely convenient) is the Dove Nourishing Oil care line, consisting of the hair care necessities - oil, shampoo, conditioner and repair mask- all in the same range. It consists of a daily use Shampoo with Vita Oils, a dual stripe Daily Treatment Conditioner with the power of double nourishment, a Repair Mask that nourishes deep inside for 99% smoother hair and a Vita-Oil serum that provides instant smoothness and shine without weighing down the hair. Vita-Oils apparently go deep inside the hair fiber to lock in moisture and hence nourish it with every wash without leaving a greasy feel. Quite convenient and yes, I'm a sucker for brand Dove. J

And bingo! That’s it – just focus on Shine, Strength and Style with the above tips for your hair and baal baal bach jayenge J. Sure there are more advanced tips too but to be honest, I would never find the time to follow them in my supposedly busy life; so I wouldn’t really expect you to either, but if you do have the extra time and the extra energy, you could use that valuable time to check out the remainder of my hard working blog and follow it. J

So what’s my WoW hair moment?....

Well, judging by what I eat (that’s a monster burger in the pic-with extra fries, extra cheese, extra mayo n extra junk!), it’s no surprise that I have more weird hair moments than wow; but I still manage to get compliments by concentrating on the third 'S', of the 'SSS' (Shine, Strength and Style). I focus on Style to get me my compliments and I usually experiment a lot with my hair on the weekends and most of my amused friends’ reactions have varied between ‘WTF’, ‘dead rat on ur head?’ to ‘That’s so cool, man!’ Of course, for the Strength and Shine aspects, I have my biweekly oil bath followed by shampoo-conditioner the next day. But I’d like to think I am blessed with good hair though I am sure there is much more I should be doing to take care of my hair. And of the few worthy WoW hair moments I remember, one that is top of my mind right now is when a childhood buddy of mine, who is now a model, told me that he was jealous of my hair in school (guess mom’s strict oil-every-day regime seemed to have been working). Some things that I presently do with my hair is to use a few drops of coconut oil, instead of using gel; and yes, whenever there’s beer leftover from the day before (which seems to be always J), I use it on my hair as the last rinse after shampooing.

So I’m sure you’re wondering – as mentioned at the start of this story, has all this speed seduction helped me with getting my Katrina?

Well truth be told, not really. But the good thing is today, with my great head of hair(J), I’ve developed a certain level of confidence in myself that even when I get rejected, I’m quite cool with it. I just pity the girl cos she just blew her chance to get to know the great guy that I am ( even on my bad hair days J).

And plus, I have the mental satisfaction that she just turned down a great guy with such great hair and great panache.

(Proudly swishing my short hair to glory….)

J

This is an entry for the Dove-IndiBlogger "Love is a two way street; love your hair and it loves you back" contest. You can check out more comments and thoughts on this same subject on my other blog. Pics courtesy-mai baap google.

If you like this post, promote me at ib, like me on facebook, or follow me here.

If not, likewise.J